Lifestyles of the Sick and the Famous

Oh...how I have missed you, darling, wonderful, readers...

Wonderful news...your Holiday Wishes fulfilled...

I'm BACK!!!

I don't want to bore you with all the gory details or whine as if my life, on balance, is anything but enviable.  I am an incredibly fortunately woman and my New Year's Resolution is to be more grateful for all my blessings.  

Darling Husband, if you are reading this, skip ahead to the next section, everyone else, keep reading.  I have an amazing husband (most of the time)...who is my best friend...has given me a beautiful home, cars, shoes, clothes, jewelry, and all of those material things...loves me in spite of myself...and of whom I am enormously proud every day.  

I have a fantastic family.  It would doing an injustice to the word "dysfunctional," to say I have a dysfunctional family!  Sure...a lot of people THINK they have a crazy family...until they have met mine.  DH once recently said to me, "It's unbelievable you don't have MORE issues!"  Again, feel free to laugh...I nearly fell out of bed giggling!  Who am I trying to kid?  I laughed so hard I snorted!!!  My parents lived, more or less, around the corner from each other after their divorce.  When DH and I went back to visit, before Mother moved to Florida, Mother threw huge parties with Dad, Stepmom, Stepsibs, Pop pop, her boyfriend, and my inlaws.  Dad flicked a bottle cap at me in front of FIL because his beer, that he purposely carries in his shirt pocket for the sole purpose of driving Mother mad, was empty...FIL was in shock...though I can't say for sure if the look on his face had more to do with the flicking itself or that I knew what it meant and responded by bringing Daddy his beer...and the finger.  We have had to employ a "NO F-word in the Dining Room" rule.  This rule backfired upon it's inception...when I got up from the table, stepped one step into the kitchen, and, well...you get the picture.  Stepmom has called Mother to ask how to deal with Father...to receive the reply, "When he drove me crazy, I divorced him...I not be the best one to ask," followed by laughter on both ends of the phone...and probably nothing good for Dad.  Grams always called me a "jackass," and when finally called on it, she explained, "That means I love you the most!"  That's just the immediate family.  For the sake of everyone's sanity, I'll quit while I'm behind!

I have spectacular friends.  Some go back so far that, in one case, as Mother likes to say is, "the first man I ever slept with."  We were 3 and went to the same babysitter...another who, well, we met one on her 16th birthday, which was long enough ago that we now celebrate our anniversary rather than our ages, and our anniversary is more than old enough to legally drink!!!  Wonderful people that I've known as long as I can remember...and, largely thanks to the USAF, fabulous people all across the country and overseas.  I am honored and humbled to count such generous, smart, kind, patriotic...sarcastic, quippy, maddening, funny...as my friends.

But, by way of explanation for my absence, here goes nothing:

There is nothing new wrong with my brain.  

Who knew?

I'm going to go ahead and leave it that, because no doubt you feel like reading all of my problems about as much as I feel like listing them...but, I kid you not...a doctor said, "There is nothing new wrong with your brain."  Yes, I know you're laughing.  I laughed, too.  I have just about every specialist one can have...but for a podiatrist (Look out podiatrists of the world, you're next!)...and I thought I had heard it all...but this was a new one...even for me!!!  Ask yourself what kind of response you'd have had to that statement.  I can't remember ever having laughed so hard at a doctor's appt...until she said, "...and I agree with everything in that book..except that Evolution thing...but anyway..."

So I Was Thinking...Vol I

So I was thinking the other day...I think, by now, we can all agree this is a bad idea...but I swear it was an accident...I received, yet another, of those "Let's see who will forward this," "What's your favorite," "What did you have for breakfast," ridiculous emails.  Little aside...I NEVER forward them!!!  It doesn't mean that I don't LOVE the friends that send the to me...it means...well...when I got to thinking...it means a few things.

It definitely means introspection is not my thing.  Trust me...I'm as shocked as you are!

Maybe it means I don't feel like copying and typing all that stuff because...I just don't feel like it.  It's entirely possible it's a migraine or an RA flare in my hands creating this particular case of the "I don't wannas," maybe I'm in the car or at the gym...or really, I just don't feel like it.

But then I realized...when I was doing that thinking thing...that sometimes, it's none of anyone's damn business!

Why do randoms, to whom the email will ultimately be forwarded, need to know what I had for breakfast?  Why do they need to know what I'm reading?  Why do they need to know...or all of Facebook in my status, for that matter...what color bra I'm wearing....and why do they care?  I assure you, and this applies to even my very best friends, tho of this they are already aware, the ONLY reason I would give a damn about the color of ANYONE'S bra, is that they have visible bra straps...Ewwwww!!!  Outside of my head, I can't imagine my likes and dislikes are THAT life-changing to anyone.

Worse are those that ask for favorites.  That's what really caused all of this "thinking" silliness.  I realized I simply don't have answers to those questions.  They all ask:  

What's your favorite color?  Well, Pink...but I often like to answer Plaid or Argyle...you've got to mix things up...keep people guessing...
But that's an easy one.


What's your favorite food?  Ummmm...I kind of don't know.  Do I say chocolate...I do LOVE chocolate.  Or french fries...but not all french fries because some are soggy or have blechy coatings or seasonings (Can we say Old Bay?!?).  Is a sauce a food?  I mean, do alfredo and bernaise stand alone...or must I choose specifically that which they make the most delish?  What about bacon?  Grams used to put more and more bacon on anything people didn't like because everyone loves bacon.  This particular phenomenon gave birth to the transformation of the previously merely disliked sweet potato to the "God Damn Sweet Potato"...and on the subject of potatoes...yes, potatoes, I said french fries earlier and sweet potatoes now so I'm going there...my blog...you know the rules...double baked...love...mashed...adore...scalloped...well...how can it be that in high school I framed a magazine ad for the potato (because I HATE vegetables) that was a picture of a potato with green paint being poured on it that said something along the lines of "What must we do for you to consider us a vegetable, paint ourselves green" that I find scalloped potatoes...oh dear...I have no words.  Perhaps, yet again, a good time to switch to a fairytale.  Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Princess who sent to a sleepover in another Kingdom.  I was friends with the Princess at whose home I was sleeping...but her mother, the evil Queen...well...she was the type who wouldn't let yet leave the table without cleaning your plate.  The Princess and the evil Queen didn't see eye to eye on this particular issue for a number of reasons.  The Princess is a VERY picky eater and doesn't enjoy anything shy of being catered to.  The Princess had been taught well, by the Queen in her Kingdom, that a proper Princess ALWAYS leaves a bit on her plate.  A Princess owes it to her hostess to make any dietary needs known...generally this task is preformed by minions, but the Queen must've given them the day off.  Poor timing...really, REALLY, poor timing!  A proper Princess doesn't criticize what she is served, but does push the food around on her plate a bit, so as to be gracious give the appearance of eating and not insult one's host.  When the evil Queen asked the beautiful Princess if she liked scalloped potatoes PRIOR to cooking, the Princess firmly, tho politely, conveyed, in no uncertain terms, that scalloped potatoes...tho the Princess diplomatically kept to her self that this extends to any potatoes from a box...that scalloped potatoes were forbidden in her kingdom.  The evil Queen decided to test the Princess' resolve.  Ohhhhh, evil Queen, the Princess may have been a mere tot at the time, but she is the Princess, nonetheless.  I should mention, no judgment...you know me, I don't judge... that the evil Queen is BAD cook.  A poison apple would be step up!  There was, before my time, "the Lasagna Incident," in which, and the details are hazy because pretty much everyone involved ended up in the hospital, that, as I understand it, involved jarred sauce, possibly ketchup, and Velveeta!  Clearly the evil queen missed the memo, because as we sit down to dinner, the Princess' plate was piled high with scalloped potatoes made from a box.  I ate the rest of what passed for food in that particular Kingdom, yet the potatoes continued to stare back at me.  And the evil Queen decided, that the ideal way to teach the Princess a lesson (good luck with that), was to make her sit there until they were gone.  After quite some time...enough so that what had once made a vain attempt at looking like a potato...resembled in both appearance and smell...a cold, congealed mess of sweetbreads than anything I wanted to ever see baked, fried, or mashed again!  Still, the evil Queen thought surely her will was stronger than our heroine, our Princess.  The evil Queen decided to compromise and force just 3 bites down the Princess' throat.  It would appear that the evil Queen also missed the "No Means No" memo.  At this, the Princess decided to give the evil Queen just EXACTLY what she wanted.  Princess chocked down her first bite and while turning unpleasant shades of green, fortunately, our fair Princess looks fab in green, and her gorge began to rise.  The evil Queen insisted on bite number 2.  Princess warned her that bite 1 was not going well.  The evil Queen, refused to listen.  Princess took bite number 2 and gagged the entire time...it was a Royal struggle!!!  Still, the evil Queen insisted on one last bite.  When bite number 3 hit the gag reflex from bite number 2...things got VERY undignified!!!  The henpecked King quickly swooped me up and took me straight to the bath to clean me up...he managed to hide is laughter from the evil queen until we were safely in the bathroom with the door shut.  The evil Queen was STILL cleaning up after the Princess was all cleaned up and ready for bed.  She had also called the King and Queen of the Princess' Kingdom...both of whom had been subjected to "The Lasagna Incident," and laughed all night and the following morning driving out to retrieve the Princess.


So far, we haven't established my favourite anything...ahhh...but tomorrow is another day...and we shall carry on, my friends!


XOXO
~CAT

Naughty List, Vol. II

When last we were together, dear readers and friends, if there are any...who knows...do you ever wonder about that?  Is anyone really reading this?  It kind of makes me want to throw a random, bizarro sentence or an "Are you really reading this" in the middle...like I always wanted to do in college, but never had the guts to do there, either.  I wonder which would be worse, feeling like an idiot when someone read it or feeling like a loser when your professor gave you an A and failed to mention it.  Moving on...we were exploring my current short list of those which require a "Come to Jesus" talk:

Pool Guy

Landscapers

Random 20yr old Illegal Alien/UCLA Student

Jeff Lurie

Governor Brown & the California Legislature

Depakote 

So far, we have dealt, though I could certainly go on, with Pool Guy, Landscapers, and Random.  This brings us to Jeff Lurie. 

Jeff Lurie...Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...oh, honey!  Let's talk!  For those who may not know, dear Jeffrey owns my beloved Philadelphia Eagles.  As a rule, I love and support you.  I bleed green.  I am an Eagles Fan.  There have been times in the past when we haven't seen eye to eye...usually over quarterbacks.  Kolb?  We'll see how the decision goes.  Garcia?  Play...leave...no...come back...no...get out.  McNabb?  Poor form.  He DESERVES to retire an Eagle. Despite 2 trips to the Superbowl we Eagles (Fans) have yet to have a win.  We were the first team to need it's own jail and court in the stadium.  For those who may not know part 2, this is a fact of which we are quite proud.  We throw snowballs at Santa Claus and "BOO" our own team.  We even had T.O. scared to come back into town for his first game as a Cowgirl!  We prove again and again that there are NO FANS as passionate and dedicated as IGGLES FANS.  When you and Andy decided to bring Michael Vick on board...when he didn't even want to come to Philadelphia, granted, he more than regrets feeling that way now...I was, to say the least, not pleased.  I know it isn't my place to judge and people can change and blah, blah, whatever, but I couldn't get passed what he had done.  He played his heart out and behaved like a repentant, changed man...and while I will never LIKE the man...I grew to accept him as our QB.  But, Jeff...Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...For the Love of All That's HOLY...$100M?!?!?!?  He's not the Pope!!!  I know what you're all thinking...that I'll change my tune should we FINALLY win a Superbowl...and maybe you're right...but I doubt it.  At the end of the day, changed man or not, let's just say you couldn't pay me $100M to let him dog-sit...and seriously?  The man PLAYS A GAME FOR A LIVING!!!  Hello?  That's a privilege!!!  If you've got that much to throw around, Jeff, throw some my way so I can fly home for games...I've cared about the Eagles far longer and far more than Michael Vick.  I have felt the crushing defeat of those 2 Superbowls...I know what it's all about to love Dick Vermeil and to know that no lead is too big for us to blow!  Maybe throw some of that money to animal charities, Jeff...in Mikey's name...AS PART OF HIS PAY...surely he won't mind!

*Of note:  I wrote the above prior to the Eagles v Rams game...I know better than to jinx anything...I'm just sayin'...


The Dream Act...or Dear, Every State Politician in California...or Governor Brown and your compatriots in the California Legislature, I voted against you, surely you recognize me, I'm the one who alternates outfits between an NRA hat, Ray-Ban aviators, and either a B-1 Bomber or Ronald Reagan t-shirt for primaries and, of course, a monogrammed sweater set and pearls on Election Day...because, as I understand it, I have the right not to TELL anyone who I voted for...so I feel obligated to make sure people can TELL by looking at me.  You're welcome.  So, this little Dream Act thing of yours...well played!  How do you envision this working for you?  You've given the illegals (again, I'm not trying to be insulting, I know not the current PC term...if this offends you...you're reading the wrong blog) access to public funds for their educations in California Universities.  Public funds for the privilege of higher education, one that many American Citizens find elusive, do they have priority access to these public funds?  Have you made this conditional upon application for citizenship...American Citizenship, also a privilege,   No?  Ummmm...why not?  They can apply for college, they can apply for financial aid, grants, and scholarships...clearly they are capable of "applying" for things...things they want, anyway.  It seems to me, if they wanted to be citizens, they would APPLY for citizenship.  Yet they don't.  They aren't applying for citizenship...THEREFORE they aren't paying taxes, with which to provide the public funds for future students, American students, to go to school, and they aren't voting.  That little plan you had about them being so grateful they'd be your voter base someday?  Not going to happen!  Let me paint you a picture.  As a military spouse, if your husband is stationed in California, after 30 days, with PROOF of his assignment and your military ID, of course, you are eligible to apply for a WAIVER to the state's residency requirements for instate tuition.  So...if you move to California due to a commitment to Service to Our Country, you can apply for a waiver for in-state residency requirements...but if you're here illegally...you are in some way more deserving?  Is this really the message we want to send? Enough is enough!  We spend a fortune trying to secure our boarders, watching the cost and crime rate skyrocket, and now we're offering INCENTIVES?!?  


You know what's weird?  Immigration has never been a hot-button issue for me.  The Dream Act just makes me so mad!!!

On to Depakote...I can say with absolute authority that this "medicine," I use this word VERY LOOSELY, is, in fact, a direct descendant of the devil!  It's an anti-seizure medication meant to control migraines and trigeminal and back spasms.  You may remember Depakote from it's uncredited cameo in 15 Pounds?!?!?.  Ahhhh...the good old days!  I fear that when dear Doctor said, "at least 15 Pounds," I heard, "15 Pounds," and may have missed the , "at least," bit.  Whoops!  I'm sure there is a lesson about paying attention or selective hearing in this, but...really, not feeling it!  After 5 weeks on this "medicine," I started losing hair again...after it had just started growing back in...grrrrr.  My migraines and trigeminal headaches became more frequent...you could SEE my trigeminal nerve twitch and spasm...ICK!!!  It gave me insane RA flares and it did not fight nice with my chemo!  It was hellish!  This happens from time to time with meds...that's why there are multiple medications.  I get it, I do.  I was weak and tired and miserable and at the 5 week point found myself on the phone with his office, 27 pounds heavier, BEGGING to not have to take it ONE DAY MORE!!!  I am pleased to tell you that he took pity on me...called back and switched me to something different.  Whether it works or not is too soon to say, but rest assured, I scoured the internet and weight gain is NOT listed anywhere as a side effect!!!


One Naughty List down...an infinite number go!


Tell me...comment, tweet me, Facebook, whatever...what's on your Naughty List?


XOXO,
~CAT

Monday Manifesto

This week's 

Monday Manifesto

will be brought to you on 

Tirade Tuesday

courtesy of

Monday's Spoonie Misery 

Lucky you!  You now have an extra day to let me know what topics you'd like to see in Monday Manifesto...and feel free to let me know if there's a weekly feature you'd like to see!  In the meantime I'll be having a Health Related Hissy-fit over the Rheumatoid Arthritis Agony that has usurped my day.

If you're unfamiliar with The Spoon Theory...especially if you have someone in your life with an Autoimmune Disease or Chronic Pain...take the few minutes you would have spent reading my blog and read it:

The Spoon Theory

by: 

Christine Miserandino

 XOXO,

~CAT