Thursday, July 28, 2011

What's the Plural of Jesus?

In case you haven't been paying attention...well...WHY NOT?!?

I thought I'd take a little timeout and give you a few updates on people and situations we've met along the way...

Where to begin?  James Joyce?  Still dead.  Charlie Sheen?  Alive at the moment, as far as I know, but no one cares.  Bryan Stow remains hospitalized...there was an arrest...of the wrong man...and now they have the  two that beat him in custody.  The Dodgers are still broke.  Awesome donut shop?  Still a B rating...still DELICIOUS!!! Armageddon?  Not here yet.  Good, I still have time to pick out shoes!  

Crazy Creeper Lady has gone right over the edge...make of this what you will, but when I got back to PT from Daytona, she came walking into the gym with a truly frightening version of a pixie!!!  I couldn't believe she had actually done it!  She said she wanted to...but come on, really?  Suffice to say she did NOT go to A to have it cut!  Tres bizarre, no?  My sweet LAM is still as super fab.  IBS inspires me more than ever!  

The "plume" of chromium tainted water in Hinkley continues to grow...and for some reason I can not fathom, people continue to live there.  Even if there were no on that patch of dirt on purpose is beyond me!  There is no town...and it's POISONED!!!  Seriously?  Eat many apples, Snow White???  Unincorporated Land?  I still think someone made that up to mess with me...sort of like pumping gas.  I don't know what it is with people from states other than NJ (that's right...proud of where I'm from...ring any in state tuition bells?) with your towns that aren't towns and pumping your own gas...not part of my reality.  Disney World doesn't have unincorporated land between England and Canada in Epcot Center, do they??  NO!  They do not.  Do you know why?  Because there is no such thing!!!  If it was REAL, clearly Disney would have it...would Disney make things up???  I think NOT!  I like my reality just the way it is, thank you.  What?  What's that you said?  Not realistic?  I beg to differ...I needed gas...DH is some of you know, I took a poll on Facebook and Twitter, asking if, considering it's me and I have heard that rumor about me being entitled AND that may be something of a sociopath AND that I'm from NJ, where it is illegal to pump your own gas.  The votes were in and I texted this gentleman I call "Beige Bear" that Friday morning to have him come get me gas.  Yes, I absolutely know that he can not take his phone into the building in which he works and it would therefore be impossible for him to get said text until the end of his work day...but I wanted that timestamp.  By the time he got to his car and phone that Friday, he already had somewhere else he had to be.  Big shock that by that time he had plans and couldn't come do it that day...but I was able to point out that, strictly speaking, I had asked before he had other plans.  He was here the next morning with a Sugar Free Red Bull peace offering.  How fab is Beige Bear?  

Oh dear!  I just realized that I'd never introduced you to our Mayor(s)!  Can it be???  Ohhh...I'll have to give you fill in!  Not tonight tho...already rambling on and have a topic planned for tomorrow...I think.  I found airline bottles of Absolut still in my purse.  

I still adore Ronnie and my first "celeb" crush remains Oliver North.  Don't judge me...I have a handbag full of vodka and you don't!

Mr. Rogers?  Still dead.  Still sad...moment of silence for Fred...

And whilst we're on that moment of silence-y topic...if you're reading this at know what to do!  OMG!  I'm assuming that if you're reading this you must know...but perhaps this is one of those "teachable moments" from the list of men throughout history that I adore...I would like to introduce you all to Charlie Mopps:

Lyrics below are from the Clancy Brothers recording:
A long time ago, way back in history
When all there was to drink was nothing but cups of tea
Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops
And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops
oh he ought to be an admiral, a sultan, or a king
And to his praises we shall always sing
Look what he has done for us, he's filled us up with cheer
lord bless Charlie Mops, The man who invented beer
The Jury's Bar, the Clancy's Pub, the Hole in the Wall as well
One thing you can be sure of, it's Charlie's beer they sell
So come on all me lucky lads at eleven O'clock ye stop
For five short seconds, remember Charlie Mops
One, two, three, four, five
A bushel of malt, A barrel of hops, you stir it around with a stick,
The kind of lubrication to make your engine tick.
Forty pints of wallop a day will keep away the quacks.
It's only eight pence ha'penny and one and six in tax
One, two, three, four, five
The lord bless Charlie Mops!

As updates go, I think I've covered everything I need to for the last thing...
I still think it's REALLY funny to ask a priest what the plural of Jesus is...
"There is no plural of Jesus, God gave us His ONLY son..."
"Yes, Father, but what if you have more than one?  Then what's the plural?"
"You can't have more than one...He is the ONLY son of the Father..."
"Yes Father, but just say, hypothetically, if you DID have more than one..."
This or some iteration of this can go on for as long as you're having fun/not going to hell.'s time for the rope-a-dope...gets them every time!!!  
"OK, but really Father, 'cause here's the thing, I have more than one, you know, because I have several Nativity scenes and I always put the (air quote here)"Babies" in a drawer because they weren't born you see, I really need to know the plural form of Jesus."  
The key here is not to pause in's all about the flow...
"Because personally, Father, I think it's be grammatically correct...and seriously?  Those grammar rules all come from Latin roots and all and Latin is a total Bible language, so really it only makes sense....but Husband/Sibling/Parent/Friend SWEARS it's Jesuses...which is not only wrong grammatically, but it sounds absurd, and I really don't think the Almighty would want that for His son..."

And on that note...


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Monday Manifesto turns Wicked Wednesday

Welcome back!  Enough pleasantries...where were we?  Ahhhh...yes...we were comparing tuition at a few different schools...and the in state/out of state tuition for UCLAOut of state tuition at UCLA is more than 3 TIMES in state tuition...and it is this reduced rate that is now offered to Illegal Aliens as well! 

Let me get this straight...a person can enter this country illegally, live here illegally, and as, what, a REWARD for having eluded Border Patrol, are given in state tuition to the public colleges and universities in California?  A student from just across the California border in Nevada has to pay 3 TIMES what a student from just across the California border in Mexico pays???  Ohhhh...but wait, that only applies if the Mexican student is here illegally...if that same Mexican student is here on a student visa, following all the rules, he's charged out of state tuition...3 times that of what the illegal immigrants now pay!

In order for me, a US citizen by birth, to qualify for California's in state tuition, I have to do 3 things:
1:  Establish Physical Presence.  I would have to be able to prove that for the last 366 days minimum I have, not just had an address, but have physically resided here, as well.  
Buy a house, rent an in it.
2:  Demonstrate Intent.  I must prove to the state, legally, for at least the previous 366 days, that I intend to make/have made California my home.
Change your driver's license, voter registration...the more legal ties the better!
3:  Financial Independence/Ability to Pay.  Self explanatory...important to note that parents or other relatives finances can only be considered if they live in California.

So an American citizen has to live in California for over a year in order to be eligible for in state tuition or pay out of state tuition.  A foreign national has to pay out of state tuition.  But an illegal alien?  In state tuition.  And yes, I know that lots of people would argue that with higher education these people would perhaps better themselves or their families...become productive members of American society...and that is great!  But, it's not my responsibility, or any of yours, to pay for it!  We are already paying Boarder Patrol, INS, not to mention all the people that work in social services!  And speaking of the social services, 71% of illegal immigrants households nationally, receive some form of government California...79%!!!  79% are on welfare AND we are giving them in state tuition...and they are here illegally!!!

Trying to keep this one a bit shorter for you guys...but I would be doing you a disservice if I left the icing off this cake.  Tuition is being increased overall because California and it's public colleges are broke.  79% of illegal immigrants in California receive welfare.  Did I mention California is broke?  And here comes your icing...the same day this part of the Dream Act was signed?  The one that lets illegal immigrants potentially take spots away from out of state students that could have paid full tuition?  

That same day, California borrowed $5.4B from private investors because the state is sooooo broke that it was about to default to the federal government!

Dear California,
Perhaps you should stop spending all that money you don't have on people who are BREAKING the LAW!  It might just save you a couple of bucks!


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Monday Manifesto: A Day Late and (California's) a Dollar Short

Welcome to my new feature...tho it's a day late...

Monday Manifesto

To be honest, I only came up with idea today...after getting screaming/yelling/throw things mad at the news this morning.  By way of an introduction, let me explain my premise...I, absolutely, positively, without question, end up in what I like to call, "The Land of Rant," at LEAST once a week...though once may be a bit of an understatement...I have frequent flyer miles to Soapbox like you wouldn't believe!  Soooo...from now on...well, more ON than NOW as today is not so much a Monday...I will be bitching, sounding off, blustering, haranguing, and/or on a tirade about whatever it is in the world that has irritated me...or you...oh yes, I'll happily take requests...the most, each week.  

Without further ado, I give you, the inaugural: 

Monday Manifesto:
A Day Late and (California's) a Dollar Short

California passed the first part of the Dream Act yesterday.  In a nutshell, this first part means that illegal immigrants attending public colleges are now eligible to receive private scholarships and financial aid.  The second part is still to be voted on in Sacramento and would add public sources of financial aid to the monies that can be received by illegal immigrants to offset the cost of an education at a state school in California.  These are the same scholarships for which legal, American students are competing...the same financial aid for which they are applying.  How can this be?  How can California, in essence, take scholarships and financial aid away from the citizens for whom it was intended???  Oh yes...and did I mention...PAY IN STATE TUITION?!?!?

Now, before anyone says word one about what I said just a few lines a rule, let the best student win.  Let me assure you, I agree completely!  Winners and losers, no trophy for second place...and to quote a wise man, "If you're not first, you're last!"  That's right, I went there!  My blog, I can do that, remember? have to follow the rules.  Rules are good...rules are our should never go under the bus for any reason!  (Choose your favourite commercial tag line about rules from your youth and insert here)
There are rules one must follow when:
Being a foreign citizen interested in attending a US college
Working in the US
Living in the US
Becoming a US citizen
Shall I go on or are we sort of getting a feel for where this is going?  Ohhhh...that's more thing to cover before we move on ...The New Colossus...I won't quote, you all know it...Yes...all our families immigrated to the United States at one point or another...the "Melting Pot" such as it is (damn, now I want fondue)...unless of course we choose to trace our lineage to, somewhere along the way 1/16th "Indigenous Persons to Northern America"...but we are not even going THERE right now!  I am proud to be an American, as all of you well know, and I celebrate that everyday as the wife of a USAF Lt Col.  I am also proud to have been born and raised in South Jersey...just ask any Cowboys fan that's ever had the misfortune of sitting next to me at Texas Stadium...or anyone who's ever met me!  My parents are proud of their grandparents...greatgrandparents...their hometowns in whatever country they may am I, because it is ALL a part of me.  But every one of them immigrated here legally...just as when I move from state to state...and BELIEVE up my NJ driver's license broke my heart...but GETTING a California one nearly killed me...I follow the LAW...even though it is a huge pain and not without expense...and become a resident of the state in which I live.  

So as we go on...MAKE NO MISTAKE...I am not holding anyone to a standard than that to which I hold my family or myself.
Sweet Lord!  Are we to the point yet???

YES!!!  That was a lot of rant to get to the point...but I wanted to make sure we were clear...and I felt like ranting.  So, I did.  Five days a week I wake up early and watch (listen to) Good Day LA while I'm showering and getting ready for the gym.  Often this spring, there were on location reports from various public colleges in California of what I can only describe as "sit-ins" by groups I will avoid calling "dirty hippies" because surely they have a more PC name...and I'm guessing it isn't "Prius driving, patchouli reeking, tree huggers" isn't it I shall call them students...because their tuition was being raised.  Clearly, I'm not a fan of civil disobedience or plug in cars, morning I noticed one of the students was WEARING PEARLS!!!  It was at this point that I looked further into what they were...Ronnie forgive me...protesting.  After a LONG talk with my pretty pink computer and the promise of online shopping following my research, I looked it up.  One by one a majority...and that was this spring, it is likely more now...I did NOT check every public college before writing this blog post...were increasing their tuition an average of about 10%.  Now...I can't lie, part of me thought...cost of doing business...part thought...that's what you get for even considering going to school off the East Coast...unless it's the Colorado School for Wayward Boys, you're Catholic, or you're a huge a college football fan!  If you don't understand these exceptions, they do not apply to you.  But...for arguement's sake...let's say I'm willing to consider that there is some perfectly valid reason for choosing a west coast school and there is this tuition hike.  I have been accused, on occasion, of not knowing the value of a dollar.  Here's what I know...even a valet doesn't want A dollar and no one carries cash...sorry Mother.  I don't have kids...I'm not looking forward towards tuition...I have no clue what it should cost!  I assume it's entitled people bitching because draw on on what you know, right? 

Here's what I learned...for the 2010-2011 year:
Out of state tuition and fees for UCLA:  $33660
In state for UCLA:  $10781
Colorado School for Wayward Boys:  $0
Harvard:  $35051
Clemson out of state:  $26900
Rutgers out of state:  $24433
Princeton:  $36640
Notre Dame:  $39919

Interesting spread, no?  Not necessarily related to where each school is ranked by education or, an illegal immigrant can pay IN STATE tuition for UCLA.  Let's say that I wanted to go to UCLA to get my SJD.  The tuition difference is $15102...
Well, well, well...I just get rolling and look at that...DH reaches out from Texas and "suggests" I might want to continue this tomorrow...

I do hate when he's right...but this is getting long...

And I feel're not used to me getting...and I use this term VERY loosely..."political" you all know where I stand and that I will not speak out against any of our elected officials.  That said...I hope I haven't bored you...and I hope you'll be back tomorrow...where I can tell you everything about this tuition/education craziness...and I hope to have your feedback!!!


Monday, July 25, 2011

40 Things To Do Before 40 part 1

I recently saw a friend's blog with a list of the 40 things she wanted to do before she was 40.  She is 2 years younger than me and already had some things crossed I thought...I should just make a list of 1 thing I wanted to do before 40 and resort back to threatening to hurl myself off my roof again.  No one ever seems to take this threat seriously...I'm thinking I've narrowed down some possible reasons why:

1:  This is the desert...most houses and buildings are single story here.  I'd likely only be injured.
2:  I have a pool, so a soft landing is reasonably assured.
3:  If I were to kill myself, be serious, people...would I make myself ugly in the process?  I think not!
4:  I don't know how to get up on the roof.

And the biggie:

5:  No one in Heathers killed themselves that way!

Soooo...I guess it's time for me to start that list.  I'm open to suggestions!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

And Away We Go...

Sooo...that text to blog thing?  Clearly I did it wrong.  Moving on...

A little free association for you:
Moving:  Traveling
Traveling:  Phone calls
Phone calls:  Are you kidding me
Are you kidding me:  Cocktails
Cocktails (whilst traveling):  Very "interesting" stewardesses

And away we go...

0530 on the day we were due to leave...the alarm on DH's phone goes off...and as he looks at his phone to turn it off...he notices an 0334 missed call and voicemail.  I watch his face become more and more angry as he listens to the voicemail.  It's an automated message informing us that our flight is canceled and that they booked us on a new flight the NEXT DAY!!!!  

The phrase for which you are currently searching is:  ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME?!?!?

I assure you, I am not.

We were scheduled to fly out of John Wayne because we were told that Ontario had no First Class seats available.  John Wayne is quite a bit further than Ontario, but as we were flying cross-country, it was worth the drive for the upgraded seats...besides...the airport is named after the Duke, for God's sake...what could possibly go wrong?!?  Oh, could you do this to me?  The message included no explanation, no callback number, NOTHING!  DH immediately called the airline, who, by the way, knew nothing about our canceled flight and subsequent voicemail, and refused to get off the phone until they miraculously "found" 2 First Class seats on the flight out of Ontario that we wanted IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!  However, he was also told that he couldn't lodge a complaint on that number but would have to call a separate number during business hours for that.  

No time for phone calls...we have an earlier flight to catch!

We make it to the airport, board the flight...and then the fun begins!  It is at this point that I coin the phrase, "When life gives you lemons, drink champagne!"  Enter Stewardess #1.  She hears a bit of our conversation and appears with champagne.  Clearly, I love her.  I do not, however, love whatever it is that the airline is trying to pass off as champagne.  It's appearance closely resembles ginger ale...the bubbles are so large I am quite sure that I saw Glinda the Good Witch descending into Oz in one of them!  I will spare you any description of the taste...except to say that I didn't know Boone's Farm was making a sparkling variety now.  When she came by to refill my glass...please don', I love you...she asked what we were talking about earlier and where we were headed.  She, too, was shocked to learn that her airline canceled a flight that way, rebooked us for the following day, and told us we had to call someone else to complain.  My glass was never empty which is quite likely why I was able to keep up my end of the discussion about exactly what is in the freshly baked snickerdoodles she was passing around...for the record, I still don't know.  Once we land and start to deplane, Stewardess #1, while giving everyone else the traditional, "Bu-Bye," drops 2 bottles of Absolut in my purse with a wink and smile, and says, "Just in case."

Off to our connecting we board, I was saying something to DH about our second flight being the same flight regardless of the morning's flight cancellation drama...and I suppose it must have sounded interesting or funny because Stewardess #2 overheard it, smiled, and fist bumped me.  Ok...let me say that again.  She FIST BUMPED ME!  Where do I even start?  How about, what year is it?!?  Are people still doing that???  Really?  I ALWAYS thought it was stupid, but when I saw my DADDY fist bump someone a few years ago I was certain the trend, such as it was, must surely be over!!!  But if, for the sake of argument, the fist bump is not over, the Stewardess #2 and I are fist bumping?  I've only just stepped off the jetway...when did our relationship reach this level of intimacy, exactly?  I missed the memo.  Knowing as little as I do about the fist bump, it would seem I am also sorely lacking in my knowledge of fist bump etiquette.  Did everyone but me know that once one responds to the fist bump once, one becomes obligated to continue this social interaction ad infinitum?  Stewardess #2 did...and she LOVED her some fist bumping!!!  Here's a cocktail...bump!  Would you like a refill...bump!  Have a cookie...bump!  What are you two talking about...bump!  I saw you rolling your eyes when other passengers used their hot towels on their faces and necks...bump!  You're too funny...bump!  I love your top...bump!  For the love of all that's Holy, woman stop...bump!  No, really, I'm not kidding...BUMP!  MAKE!  THE!  BUMP!  STOP!  

Just when I thought she'd given us a moment's peace, she caught DH coming out of the men's room...and she actually asked him to send me over!!!  I'm sorry, WHAT?!?!?  Of course, like with the fist bump, she has the cookies and the she does have a bit of power in that situation...and like a good girl, a report to the forward stewardess station.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the pilot comes on the speaker early in the flight, doesn't it go something like, "Hi, this Captain Joe Bagadonuts, I'll be your bus driver this evening.  At some completely arbitrary point during the flight I will turn off the seat belt light.  This means you can use the restrooms.  The First Class restroom is for First Class passengers only and you coach people...back of the bus.  I will likely turn off the seat belt light while it is your turn in said restroom.  I am doing this to screw with you as being a bus driver is an incredibly boring job and I'm frequently sorry I left military aviation for this.  If you are not in the restroom stay in your seat at all times with your seat belt securely fastened as I might suddenly decide to see how this baby handles.  Do not go hang out at the stewardess station because as long as they don't hear me calling them fat or ugly I may want to put this thing on auto-pilot and hit on them.  Bagadonuts, OUT," or something to that effect.  So technically, I'm breaking the rules by being there...what a woman won't do for cookies and cocktails!  Stewardess #2 fixes me a drink (points for her!) starts chowing down on one of the meals...ummm...really...I'm thinking I'd pack a lunch before I'd eat that food every day, but that's just me...and proceeds to grill me about the messed up travel about which she "overheard" DH and I speaking!!!  What the?!?!?  CALGON!!!  Get me off this plane!!!

So then I had a holiday, blah, blah, blah...

It's not that I'm glossing over the trip...I'll come back to pieces of it in other's just that THIS post is about travel...more specifically...our very interesting stewardesses.  I don't ever recall having so many interesting stewardesses in the same trip...and I want to say that that is why I felt the need to share, but to be perfectly honest...after the very first fist bump, I turned to DH and simply said, "Blog."  

To which he gave his standard reply.  He looked, ever so lovingly, deep into my eyes, took my hands....Ha!  He rolled his eyes at me and ordered a drink.

We're headed home and exhausted...and mostly would have liked to sleep on our cross-country flight...but this was not to be.  Why, you ask?  Good question!  I'll tell you!  Stewardess #3!  I believe she is what mental health and addiction specialists call a "High Functioning Alcoholic."  As soon as each person took their seat she was by their side to take their cocktail order...and responded with enough disapproval if one ordered something other than alcohol that even a 20yr old, Mormon, ATF agent would have broken down and ordered a madras!  Mind you, these were the pre-flight cocktails...and she served each with an additional bottle of alcohol, calling it "a little extra love."  After takeoff she brought another round of cocktails and extra love without even asking and started to prepare our dinner service.  She brought around our hot towels, making a mental note of whose drinks were low, replacing them as soon as she retrieved the towels.  Then as she brought each dinner tray...bless her pickled heart...I don't know if she got her job as stewardess confused with a past job at McDonalds or how exactly "Supersizing" entered wine service...but she brought our trays and asked, as one might expect, "red or white," and then made a bit of a departure (so to speak) and asked, "small or large?"  Ummmm...I beg your pardon?  It is at this point that Stewardess #3 holds up the airline approved wine glass and says, "small," followed by the airline approved water/soda/juice/cocktail glass and says, "large."  She refers back to the "small" and says, "this is really just a taster, you want large."  And that, was that.  As you would imagine, she replaced our cocktails and extra love again after clearing away our dinner...and I officially nominated her for the Stewardess Hall of Fame!

Soooo...I'll bet you're wondering what the airline said when we finally got through.  So am I!  We called when we arrived in Florida and were told, as God is my witness, that they would only accept a complaint on PAST TRAVEL...therefore, we couldn't complain until we got home from our trip...mental note...add that to the list of things to complain about.  DH will be calling from the car on his drive tomorrow.

And a parting I always have after I fly...are terrorists not allowed to fly First Class?  Because that is a seriously sturdy metal knife and fork...