Saturday, May 21, 2011


Well, this is awkward...

As a rule, I am, in fact, the center of the Universe...yes, Mother, the World does revolve around me.  I have always known this and am very comfortable admitting it.  They say admitting the problem is half the battle...but, here's the thing, I don't see it as problem...and who are THEY, anyway, and who says THEY get to judge?  Not me, and as the center of the Universe, my word is rule...HA!  As such, I generally love when things are all about me, as they usually are...and if they're not for too long and I get bored, I make them about, I swear, I've done that once or twice...but it's always in context.  Staring at a blank screen trying to figure out what I could possibly say about myself here that you'd care to know is positively overwhelming!!!

I mean, do you care about the time that I was little and my Parents were having a party and my Father told me that if I ate one more cracker he would smack I looked from him to the crackers and back, walked over, got a cracker, walked back to Daddy, ate the cracker, and held out my hand to be smacked?  My Parents seem to think everyone wants to hear that story!  Or that Dad taught me to say "Help, I'm being kidnapped," whenever he pointed at me, which he quite liked to do when Mother had me in a shopping cart and Daddy was hiding at the end of the aisle?  I'll never understand why those two crazy kids couldn't make it work!  Ha! 

As I just used the word "whenever," I'd like to take a moment to remind the world that WHEN and WHENEVER are NOT the same word and DO NOT mean the same thing.  As much as it makes me want to pour acid into my own ears so that I will never have to hear "whenever" misused again when young people say it, I can at least point to a failure somewhere along the way.  HOWEVER, when I hear adults say it...adults, who, until 5 years ago, were perfectly capable of differentiating between WHEN and WHENEVER, have been, what?  Suddenly struck dumb in the face of a Bad Grammar Trend?  Really?  How is this happening?!?  It makes me want to make Cold War Reagan look like Carter! 

Which brings us neatly to...I LOVE Ronnie!  Adore!  If we were a cannibalistic culture, I would have wanted to eat a piece of him after he died to make him a part of me!!!  Sick and twisted?  Maybe, kind of...but not if we lived in a culture where that was standard practice.  I'm an outside the box girl, kids!!!  You've been warned!  OMG!  I just sounded like Charlie Sheen when I said, "You've been warned," and I really want to delete it, but I promised myself I wouldn't edit random stuff like that out.  Damn!  Sorry, I'm not a warlock, nor am I devolving on a pathetic, albeit entertaining, spiral.  Where was I?  Yes!  Cannibalism, right!  You scoff and think it sounds creepy...but check this out...and if you ever get bored...feel free to do this yourselves, but I want credit!  I must preface this by saying I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, mean to be a practicing Catholic tho I often fall short, collect Rosaries..I follow the Vatican on Twitter...just so you understand that I have a healthy Faith and respect for my Church.  Are you a little scared of where this might be going yet?  I don't blame you.  For those who aren't Catholic, one of the many things that sets Catholicism apart from other religions is that we believe that Communion, that is, eating the wafer and drinking the wine...that's right, people, Catholics get Cocktail Hour at Mass...we believe not as in the other religions that do some sort of Communion, that it Represents the Body and Blood of Our Saviour, but that it BECOMES the Body and Blood of Our Saviour.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Try asking a priest if that means the Church encourages cannibalism!!!  And if you REALLY want to take it up a notch, ask him on Ash Wednesday, because you take Communion, but it's a day of fast and abstinence (one meal, no meat)...Just make sure you're asking a priest with a good sense of humour!!  Also, it doesn't hurt to have a confessional nearby...HA!

Wow!  I am making really good time covering the topics one ought not discuss, wouldn't you say?  And to think, I thought I had nothing to say...well, in an About Me list, sort of way.  But who does, really?  I mean, can any of us really be defined by a bunch of bullet points or one of those stupid emails that people forward and want you to add your answers and send back to them and forward to everyone...which, for those not paying attention or under 30, are really just a high-tech knock-off of that note that Samantha drops on the floor by accident in 16 Candles...but I digress...again...are we sensing a theme?  What was my plan when I said I would do a Getting to Know Me Post?  I have no idea.  Would you really know me better if you knew my favourite colour was pink?
That my eyes are green?
That I've been married 12 and half years to my best friend?
That I shout obscenities such as have NO BUSINESS coming out of the mouth of a lady at sporting events...televised or home or in public?
That I don't work out everyday for vanity's sake, but rather because I am sick with a nasty combo of auto-immune diseases?

That I can't really drive a stick?

But I'm more than that...we all are.  I was watching TV the other night with Husband and they were doing one of those, "I'm so deep," broody, thinky, Morrisey, wrap things up voice overs at the end and I just couldn't stand one more!  I may have gone off just the tiniest little bit.  It definitely involved all the words I just used, and I believe I went on to apply them to a broader range and include all people that are "deep."  You know the type.  They're always thinking about something...Yes, I know, we all are, but with DEEP people it's always something earth shattering and they always want to emote...and it's all "Girlfriend in a Coma" and "Meat is Murder" all day, all the time and you just want to feed them a proverbial cheeseburger!  Not everything, not every emotion, requires deep thought!  Somehow the conversation ended up with us being grateful I'm not deep?  Wait...ummm...does that make me shallow?  After 15 minutes or so of ridiculous laughter to include some really messed up Shakespeare quotations...and one translation, "the Wife of Bath is a Dirty Whore," I guess you had to be there...needless to say, I never did get a ruling and may or may not be about as deep as a Tweedlebug's tear, but I'm there's that.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Oh, God...did I just say that?  That was so thinky, wasn't it?  Sorry.  I don't know where that came from!  Ha!  Not to worry, I'll stick to my earlier apologized for, James Joyce-esque, stream-of-consciousness, nonsense and hope that you'll enjoy it...or at least come along for the ride.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Is Nothing Sacred?!?

I know I promised to finally do my "Getting to Know Me" post today...and last week...but things got crazy with Husband's work...thus the absence of posts...and today, well, I will write it, but first, I really just need to rant for a minute...I figure I'm entitled (apparently I have "entitlement issues,' but that is best saved for another post) since it's my blog and I can do whatever I damn well please here...evidently to include behaving so childishly as to say "it's my blog and I can!"  I'm such a charmer...HA!

So anyway...I'm at the gym this morning and the news ticker at the bottom of the screen flashes "Mickey & Minnie arrested in front of Disney HQ."  I was taking a drink at the time whilst on the runny thingie and listening to my Kindle...this is FAR MORE than I have any business attempting at one time, BTW, and when I see this on the ticker, I end up covered in smartwater!  Speaking of smartwater...I miss fruitwater, back before they tried to sweeten it and then did away with it all together in favour of vitaminwater...especially the watermelon...OMG...soooo good!  Great, now I've made myself sad :(  Back to the, I don't know what the runny thingie is called, I believe "runny thingie" is, in fact, the technical term.  So I stare at the muted TV as if I can read lips, and have totally convinced myself that I will know when they start talking about it and be able to ask the trainers to turn it up.  This did not happen.  I'm pretty sure it was because they never commented on it, and not because I can't read lips.  Naturally the second I got off the runny thingie, I'm sprinting for my iPhone to google Mickey & Minnie.  And here's where it all sort of goes off the rails in my beautiful mind.

I don't know which group of crazies think the Rapture starts on Saturday, but I'm betting on not so much!  What?  Calling them "crazies" is insensitive?  I'll draw your attention to the "it's my blog" rule.  Rest assured that unless I happen to BE the crazy with Doomsday Prophecy and bunker, I will always side with the FBI, ATF, and any other sets of initials I deem appropriate.On that note, for anyone looking to join, "Cult Leader," totally on my bucket list, but I I hear people talking about the world ending in 5 months while I'm googling Mickey & Minnie's arrest, and to be helpful, "'cause that's how I roll," I offer that they shouldn't worry if nothing happens Saturday because there's always that 2012 silliness.  I'm nothing if not helpful, you see.  When I see the article about why Mickey Mouse was arrested whilst hearing people blather on about the end of the can only take so much stupid at one time!!!

I get that going green is "in"...yes, yes, it's the responsible thing to do, save the planet...blah, blah, blah...but seriously?  It's the end of the day, lots of people are all about "saving the earth" because some celeb somewhere is driving a dumbass Prius!  Why do the celebs care?  Because it's a cause they can take up that makes them look caring and sensitive that's not too icky.  Some of you may think I'm wrong, you're entitled, but I'm right...and some of you have never really given the matter any thought and are thinking I make an interesting point.  It's a whole new world in my head, people...buckle up!  Ha!  As it happens, Mr & Mrs Treehugger found out that...horrors...ONE of the fibers that goes into the making of SOME of the paper for SOME of the children's books Disney publishes is made from a tree in an endangered Indonesian rain forest.  The very BEST way Sir and Ma'am Genius could come up with to stop this appalling travesty RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. was to chain themselves to the front gates of Disney's Headquarters!  Look...I don't mean to sound cavalier...yes, I do...I'm all for saving the planet...within reason.  I buy organic, use the weird looking light bulbs, try to use my refillable water bottles most of the time, recycle (mostly), sort of care about gas know...and stuff...but dress as Minnie Mouse and chain myself to a gate to take a stand for a tree halfway around the world?  Who are we kidding?!?  You got your 15 minutes...go home.  Your little stunt in no way helped your tree...but it got you on the news and in the papers and we all know that's what you really wanted.   

And that brings us here...with my grasp on reality becoming ever more I try to make sense of this.  The Rapture is Saturday...IF you believe the crazy guy, who, BTW, made the same prediction 15-20 years ago and I guess we can all see how accurate he was that time...and for those expecting to be saved on Saturday, I hear there are a bunch of atheist's groups that are offering pet can not make this stuff up...and if you're not saved on Saturday then the End of the World is in 5 months.  Or...the End of the World is December of 2012.  This is assuming, of course, that the end is coming and God has chosen to communicate this to us through a series of raving lunatics.  I don't know about you, but I like my odds.  Still...if it is coming...and it seems to me, that on some level, a nut is nut, and under a different set of circumstances the tree people could just as easily have ended up the Doomsday people, and perhaps it's a predisposition to that sort of belief/blind faith/obsession that drives them all...maybe it's just a matter of which leader or cause gets to them first.  So if it is...WOW...this has been a LOT of blather to come to a point...for what are we saving the world?!?

Seriously!!!  If it's the End of the World anyway, who gives a damn about a tree? 

Reasonable question, isn't it?

Free Mickey Mouse!


Monday, May 9, 2011


Congrats to LISA!!!  Winner of the MARLEY LILLY Giveaway!!!  Try to respond to all of your comments, and it is only today to that I realize that my replies may not have been reaching all of you...horrors!  Please, let me know if everyone has been getting them...and if you haven't...can someone tell me what on earth I'm doing wrong?!?

Soooo...For tomorrow's blog, I'm leaning towards doing a first "getting to know" post...just in case anyone wants to...Ha!  Please don't think I'll be offended if you don't read it...I just feel like as if I should introduce myself a bit better as I plan to blog a bit more frequently, tho sometimes I miss days, and it might be good if you all had a bit of an explanation as to why I am so incredibly crazy!  LOL!

So that's for joining me, invite your friends, enjoy the ride!!!


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Shouldn't Have Asked...

I Shouldn't Have Asked...

What Happens Next?

I was born and raised in a New Jersey suburb of Philadelphia.  I married into the Air Force and have since lived in Florida, Texas, South Dakota (yes, South Dakota), and California.  I have been pretty much everywhere the continental US has to offer.  That said, I have NEVER seen local news anything quite like the local news in LA.

It was a beautiful morning...I had my coffee...propped up in bed...sun shining...birds was about 0630...and I turned on the news...

Oh dear...

It's a standoff!!!  Not an altogether unfamiliar sight on the LA news...which is sad in it's own right, but that's not the point.  There are a ton of police cars, the SWAT team...all of it...surrounding some random house...

They suddenly appear to be breaking down their command post.  Live coverage is suddenly interrupted...

Cut to the talking heads at the news desk.  It turns out, the home was that of a 65 year old woman and/or her brother on whom she had pulled a gun the night before.  Brother escaped from his vicious, gun wielding, sister and called 911.  Enter LAPD.  They tried to make contact with woman to no avail.  Enter the SWAT team.  THEY tried to make contact with woman to no avail.  Then they all tried to make contact with her 15 different times with tear gas!!!  Still she refused to respond!!!  9 hours later, as my lovely green eyes (if I do say so myself, and clearly I do) fluttered open to greet the day, so did said 65 year old woman's blood shot eyes...from her drunken stupor!  That's right, my friends, she was passed out cold and aware of nothing that was going on around her...not the ringing phone, bullhorn, tv crews, helicopters, flood lights, SWAT team, or 15 CANISTERS of TEAR GAS!!!  Now THAT is a hangover!!!

But wait...there's more...

Those newscasters were interrupted by Sky-Chopper-Whatever-Doesitreallymatteranyway...

It's a car chase!  Big shock.  One of the many things I have learned since moving here is that OJ was, to say the least, unoriginal.  It seems car chases are a dime a dozen in LA.  This particular car chase was also relatively low speed, which is a nice consideration to other motorists...I think.  It took place on surface streets and towards the beginning, the initial attempt at a car stop was because the car had been reported stolen, the driver even paused (ish) at stop signs and red lights!  But then it jumped an extremely wide grass first the helicopter reporter, a front does one make THAT mistake?  The median jumping landed him on a dead end street where he pulled into the last available driveway.  The homeowners were home, or so the cars in the driveway would lead one to believe, tho they were never seen or heard from, nor did the police ever knock on their door.  The car was surrounded and after a while the driver broke out two of the windows...on his own...with seemingly no provocation.  The police swarmed the car, broke out the windows on the other side, then pulled the doors open, then pulled out the driver.  They moved the driver on the ground to the side and all seemed to just sort of hover.  I watched and waited for some sort of conclusion...

But wait...there's MORE...

Chopper....really...moving on...was interrupted by the anchors back at ye olde news desk who threw to some other random, it has so long ago ceased to matter which one is which it would take a whole different post for me to cover it, reporter so that they could show us a close up...because that's safe...a "suspicious package" downtown!

But wait...I SWEAR...there's MORE...

Cut to Sky-somebody or can not make this stuff on the move again!  And at this point I am finding it soooo hard to care but I absolutely can not tear my eyes away for fear that...well...I'm fresh out of creative ideas for what could possibly happen next...but the helicopter, damn we go!  More police cars...random street.  Wait, that looks kind of like a fast food restaurant.  Well, maybe one that burned down.  And invisible because I ride in the helicopter all day and therefore have bad hair guy announces that it is, or was, in fact a Del Taco.  WAS...right up until 3 idiot teenagers in an SUV drove said SUV right in through the front windows!!!  The SUV caught on fire, which, in turn, caused the Del Taco to catch gets put out, everyone is fine, and Chopper-Dude has to pick somewhere else to go for lunch.

It is at this point that I realize I have effectively pissed away the better part of 3 hours!!!  Seriously!  3 HOURS!!!  Gone.  3 hours.  That.  I.  Can.  Never.  Get.  Back.  So I promptly got up and turned off the TV.  Only to find myself rushing to the other room to turn on another TV!  I was struck with panic that I might have missed something!  What if something ELSE happened?  Worse...what if Sky-meister needed me?!?  Horrors!  

It's possible that I may have some issues...but really?  Needing Xanax

What if the guy from Chopper-Sky-News-Action-How-Can-This-Possibly-Be-Real-Life needs me???

Monday, May 2, 2011

What Happens Next?

Wow...just Wow!

I started a blog on the wedding and couldn't quite put all my thoughts into didn't seem right to go on about the fact that I MY wedding 12 and half years ago already had:

White on white fashion
   Lovely bride's maids in ivory simple ivory satin columns 
   Portrait collar to a deep V on my long sleeved gown
A groom in uniform
A wild ginger best man
A flyover
   We were on an Air Force Base, but the planes flying overhead still count

It's not that I mind...but she could have asked...LOL.  It reminded me so much of my wedding and how long ago it was and how many marriages end in divorce...and made me so happy for me, and so in a rush for Husband to get home from work, and so sad for so many others...and then...soooo wrapped up in the irony and I couldn't stop wondering must have been going thru Kate's head and I tried to put myself in her shoes.  It went something like this:

"Ok, so I really love him, and I get to be Royal and a Queen someday and that's all really awesome...but...well, check out this's really quite pretty isn't...oh dear, this church...nonononono...wait, Kate...think about this...quickly now...he's going to be King....this's the Church of England...a King started he could get divorced...and then he beheaded another one anyway...oh dear...what to do...fairytale crumbling...keep smiling...look happy..."  What happens next?

Still, it was a lovely wedding and a much needed break for a lot of us from all of the devastating news surrounding the tornadoes.  I still get chills thinking about the time we spent unable to locate me SIL and nephew in Tuscaloosa...still thanking God that they and their home were spared, when those two blocks away weren't nearly so lucky!  Such destruction in that storms wake...more wild fires in Texas...Japan's earthquake and Tsunami not so long ago...hurricane season approaching fast...what happens next?

And then of course, there was last night's news...Osama bin Laden is dead!  Hooray...right?  Sort of...yes?  I think so.  Certainly there's something to be said for that little bit of closure that we all get, especially the 9/11 families, by having that figurehead, that one man we all hold accountable, PAY.  But that's just it...he's a figurehead...he's one man.  And closure is nice, but what has it changed?  We feel warm and fuzzy for a few minutes and maybe some of us felt a little safer when our heads hit the pillow last night, but then we woke up this morning...and now what?  Maybe they'll want to retaliate for his death...maybe not.  Maybe someone else will want to step forward as a leader.  What happens next?

It all happened in less than a week and suddenly things seem so very different and I just can't help but keep asking myself...what happens next?  For better or worse, the world seems so full of possibilities...what happens next?