What's the Plural of Jesus?

In case you haven't been paying attention...well...WHY NOT?!?

I thought I'd take a little timeout and give you a few updates on people and situations we've met along the way...

Where to begin?  James Joyce?  Still dead.  Charlie Sheen?  Alive at the moment, as far as I know, but no one cares.  Bryan Stow remains hospitalized...there was an arrest...of the wrong man...and now they have the  two that beat him in custody.  The Dodgers are still broke.  Awesome donut shop?  Still a B rating...still DELICIOUS!!! Armageddon?  Not here yet.  Good, I still have time to pick out shoes!  

Crazy Creeper Lady has gone right over the edge...make of this what you will, but when I got back to PT from Daytona, she came walking into the gym with a truly frightening version of a pixie!!!  I couldn't believe she had actually done it!  She said she wanted to...but come on, really?  Suffice to say she did NOT go to A to have it cut!  Tres bizarre, no?  My sweet LAM is still as super fab.  IBS inspires me more than ever!  

The "plume" of chromium tainted water in Hinkley continues to grow...and for some reason I can not fathom, people continue to live there.  Even if there were no plume...living on that patch of dirt on purpose is beyond me!  There is no Hinkley...no town...and it's POISONED!!!  Seriously?  Eat many apples, Snow White???  Unincorporated Land?  I still think someone made that up to mess with me...sort of like pumping gas.  I don't know what it is with people from states other than NJ (that's right...proud of where I'm from...ring any in state tuition bells?) with your towns that aren't towns and pumping your own gas...not part of my reality.  Disney World doesn't have unincorporated land between England and Canada in Epcot Center, do they??  NO!  They do not.  Do you know why?  Because there is no such thing!!!  If it was REAL, clearly Disney would have it...would Disney make things up???  I think NOT!  I like my reality just the way it is, thank you.  What?  What's that you said?  Not realistic?  I beg to differ...I needed gas...DH is away...as some of you know, I took a poll on Facebook and Twitter, asking if, considering it's me and I have heard that rumor about me being entitled AND that may be something of a sociopath AND that I'm from NJ, where it is illegal to pump your own gas.  The votes were in and I texted this gentleman I call "Beige Bear" that Friday morning to have him come get me gas.  Yes, I absolutely know that he can not take his phone into the building in which he works and it would therefore be impossible for him to get said text until the end of his work day...but I wanted that timestamp.  By the time he got to his car and phone that Friday, he already had somewhere else he had to be.  Big shock that by that time he had plans and couldn't come do it that day...but I was able to point out that, strictly speaking, I had asked before he had other plans.  He was here the next morning with a Sugar Free Red Bull peace offering.  How fab is Beige Bear?  

Oh dear!  I just realized that I'd never introduced you to our Mayor(s)!  Can it be???  Ohhh...I'll have to give you fill in!  Not tonight tho...already rambling on and have a topic planned for tomorrow...I think.  I found airline bottles of Absolut still in my purse.  


I still adore Ronnie and my first "celeb" crush remains Oliver North.  Don't judge me...I have a handbag full of vodka and you don't!

Mr. Rogers?  Still dead.  Still sad...moment of silence for Fred...

And whilst we're on that moment of silence-y topic...if you're reading this at 11...you know what to do!  OMG!  I'm assuming that if you're reading this you must know...but perhaps this is one of those "teachable moments"...so from the list of men throughout history that I adore...I would like to introduce you all to Charlie Mopps:

Lyrics below are from the Clancy Brothers recording:

A long time ago, way back in history
When all there was to drink was nothing but cups of tea
Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops
And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops

(Chorus)

oh he ought to be an admiral, a sultan, or a king

And to his praises we shall always sing

Look what he has done for us, he's filled us up with cheer

lord bless Charlie Mops, The man who invented beer

The Jury's Bar, the Clancy's Pub, the Hole in the Wall as well
One thing you can be sure of, it's Charlie's beer they sell
So come on all me lucky lads at eleven O'clock ye stop
For five short seconds, remember Charlie Mops
One, two, three, four, five

Chorus

A bushel of malt, A barrel of hops, you stir it around with a stick,
The kind of lubrication to make your engine tick.
Forty pints of wallop a day will keep away the quacks.
It's only eight pence ha'penny and one and six in tax
One, two, three, four, five

Chorus

The lord bless Charlie Mops!

As updates go, I think I've covered everything I need to for the need...ohhhh...one last thing...
 
I still think it's REALLY funny to ask a priest what the plural of Jesus is...
"There is no plural of Jesus, God gave us His ONLY son..."
"Yes, Father, but what if you have more than one?  Then what's the plural?"
"You can't have more than one...He is the ONLY son of the Father..."
"Yes Father, but just say, hypothetically, if you DID have more than one..."
This or some iteration of this can go on for as long as you're having fun/not going to hell.  Then...it's time for the rope-a-dope...gets them every time!!!  
"OK, but really Father, 'cause here's the thing, I have more than one, you know, because I have several Nativity scenes and I always put the (air quote here)"Babies" in a drawer because they weren't born yet...so you see, I really need to know the plural form of Jesus."  
The key here is not to pause in between...it's all about the flow...
"Because personally, Father, I think it's Jesi...to be grammatically correct...and seriously?  Those grammar rules all come from Latin roots and all and Latin is a total Bible language, so really it only makes sense....but Husband/Sibling/Parent/Friend SWEARS it's Jesuses...which is not only wrong grammatically, but it sounds absurd, and I really don't think the Almighty would want that for His son..."

And on that note...

XOXO
~CAT 

Through the Looking Glass...part Duh

Are.  You.  Kidding.  Me?!?!?

It is entirely possible that word has gotten around town that I am writing this blog and the locals are auditioning for featured rolls...but I'm thinking it's far more likely that...in case you're not keeping up...let me refresh your memories...I live in the most bizarro town in the world!!!  You can not make this stuff up!  I was driving back from the gym today and stopped at light.  I look over at the driver in the car next to me...hand to God...enormous woman, beater car, filthy, EATING CAKE, off a plate, WITH A FORK!!!  WHAT?!?!?  Are you kidding me?!?!  Is this happening this can not even  be real there is just no way these people are making it this easy oh my God where is my phone and wait what where is she going damn it!!!!  The stupid light changed!!!  If they're going to keep tossing softballs right across the plate, I would be remiss to not keep pointing at the cheap seats, my friends...and you deserve more from me.  (For those who missed it, you probably willingly accept the concept of not living anywhere...unincorporated...please, but for those who missed it...that was a gratuitous Babe Ruth reference)

You've already met my LAM...and he brought me a new Red Bull magazine yesterday...could he be any cuter?  And as I sit and think about all of this...it occurs to me that my adorable, one-legged, Armenian friend is arguably one of the most NORMAL people out here...and he is a complete nutter with cutest little giggle...LOVE HIM!  Which is why I let it slide when he and my 2 physical therapists had a full conversation...IN FRONT OF ME...on my future...IN THE CIRCUS!!!  I'm sorry...what?!?!?  Ummm...ok.  

Did you just call me a carny?!
No!  Carnies are trash...everyone knows that!  Circus folk are way above carnies.
OooooK.
Not even, tho...It should be Cirque du Soleil...you know, because you could have your own act and it's fancier and sparklier and that's more like you.
Right...ok...ummmm....Thanks?  I'm gonna go get a Red Bull...


First...these are ALL MEN!  Second...this is MY LIFE!!!  Third...little tip...when people are laughing at you...be the one laughing the hardest...it's usually true!

You've met...and become well acquainted with CCL.  She wasn't at the gym on Wednesday...as you can imagine...I was crushed.  Enter the crusty old battle axe with the walker!  I assume that by now you realize that this would be someone I would LOVE...cause I do!!!  She is such bad ass!  For being from California, her attitude is remarkably northeastern.  She frequently calls one particular trainer a bitch...she's not wrong...just sayin'...she does not hesitate to tell off any off the therapists when they tell her to do something she doesn't want to do...basically...she's just a joy to be around!  You know what they say, if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me...and she does!!!  And then she leans over to my machine and starts to whisper that she's noticed CCL watching me and talking to me quite a bit...naturally I encourage her to go on.  She asked me if I thought CCL was a little crazy!  I AM VALIDATED!!!

Lest you think bizarro is always bad, let's meet someone else, shall we?  We'll call him...gee...I'm sort of at a loss...if nothing comes to me, maybe you all can vote!  Well, he's from here...but as we covered in the small, isolated portion...you can imagine that this wouldn't be the ideal place for gay man to find a mate.  So...he did what any other positively gorgeous gay man would do if they were stuck here in bizarro-land...he packed up and moved to LA!  He had a great job, great friends...was generally fabulous...and the years passed...and his parents, who still lived here, got older...and their health started to fade.  He began coming home more and more often to spend time with them...and eventually he made a decision I don't think most people could have made...he left it all...and he moved back to his parents home to help them.  He found another job...not one he loved the way he had in LA...or that paid as well...but it didn't matter and he gives 110%.  So with work taken care of he reconnected with old friends and got to know some of the people that were new to town.  And with that he set about noticing the things in town that had changed...the things that hadn't...the things that should.  He joined the Chamber of Commerce...he volunteered when he could...he shows up to every single town event.  He completely dedicated himself to making bizzaroville a home of which he could be proud.  And THEN he really got to work.  His mother showed him a small charity she had started.  She called it Holiday Meals and her goal was that every person in town that gets Meals on Wheels should get a real, hot, traditional meal delivered to them each holiday.  He immediately jumped in to help with both feet!  He enlisted all his friends, old and new, to volunteer and help him drum up donations.  He had them invite their friends and families.  It has grown every single holiday since to so large that most of the volunteers only deliver a handful of meals a piece!  You have to consider the size of the town to truly appreciate how much of the town comes together to volunteer to prepare, package, and deliver these meals.  I have never seen anything like it!  It is as if half the town is involved...and Norman Rockwell himself, couldn't paint it better.

I was going to continue on to introduce you to our Mayors...past and present...those scamps...but...I kind of feel like I want to just leave you this for now...because it has been truly beautiful to be a part of and watch grow.

No post tomorrow...it's promotion day!!!  

XOXO
~CAT

These are the people in your (my) neighborhood...

That's right...I went there...I named this post after a song from Mr. Rogers...it's my blog, damn it...and Mr. Rogers rocked!  But before you go thinking it, all those stories about good ol' Fred?  Not true.  As awesome as he was, he was neither a SEAL, nor was he Force RECON.  He wasn't wearing cardis to cover tats...they really were just a fashion statement.  Sorry to burst any bubbles...he's still an icon to me.

But I digress...

Which NEVER happens...

I thought it might be a good time to start to introduce some of the cast of characters that inhabit my world, shape my life, or may simply pop up in my blog for comic relief.  I have chosen to dedicated this first installment...to Mr. Fred Rogers...because I can.

I suppose I should start with Husband...Husband, DH, J...you get the picture...he is my lobster...that's all you really need to know.

Next...Today, there was Crazy Creeper Lady, henceforth known as CCL...I appreciate that you want to be my friend, CCL, and yes, I can happily recommend my stylist, but, what's that you say?  Because you want the same hairstyle as me?  That's...ummmm...not at all SWF and completely freaking me out and OMG this is a really small really isolated town in the middle of the desert the desert where people bury bodies well sometimes they bury them and OMG I am so far beyond the capacity to punctuate and sometimes they dont even bury them they leave them for the coyotes and the birds you know the birds what are those brids that circle around when youre dying in the desert and wait for you to be dead except id already be dead and then they come and peck at your eyes and rip off your arm and fly away with it and then your body parts are scattered across like four states and they cant even find all of you to bury or turn into a diamond which would be cool but it wont matter because they wont be able to find me because what the coyotes dont get will be bird poo on the strip in las vegas and oh dear i think i might have some pretty serious nightmares tonight or maybe i just really need a xanax or a cocktail that could be it

But I digress...

There is IBS...you'll hear a lot about her...she is my constant source of inspiration.  I have known her for more years than I care to admit and I will know her for at least that many more!!!

My friend A.  She owns the best salon in town and does my hair and waxing and I positively adore her.  Oh hell...do I overuse adore?  Might be thesaurus time...but not tonight.  At any rate, she is fantastic, a spoonie, and is going to KILL me when CCL shows up!!!  Did I mention kill?  Do we need to recap the desert thing?  Also, I plan to be buried with Husband in Arlington so the diamond thing is out...however, I really dig the dead person into diamond plan and Mother isn't convinced, so feel free to will yourselves into a diamond for me.  I'll wear you anywhere you want to go...bonus...you'll end up buried in Arlington.  

That may sound goulish to some of you but provides a lovely segue to Kiki, my baby sister...who is 7 years younger and about a foot taller...and thinks it's funny to rest her elbow on top of my head...because she can.  I'm the second youngest.  Of two.  We have been splitting up Mother's stuff...LOUDLY...in front of Mother...as long as I can remember.  We continue to split up all of her new acquisitions....again...in front of her...and have been know to slide phrases like "check your brakes" into conversation if we feel like like she is spending too much of our inheritance.  Kiki will likely comment on this and try to convince you that those comments come mostly from me...but I ask you, if that were the case, would I write this?


Moving on...

Oh, cute little, old, one-legged, Armenian man!  I shall call him my LAM.  He is at my gym and says the funniest things and I positively adore him even tho he exposed me to shingles.  He was waiting to congratulate me the day after Bin Laden was killed, how cute is that?  Every time Sugar Free Red Bull goes on sale he saves the ad and brings it to me...then he reminds me if the last sale was better and I should wait to stock up...he started keeping track of Red Bull's drivers in all different motor sports, even tho I don't follow them all...and today, which is what inspired me to write this...he found a Red Bull magazine and brought it to me!  Could you die?!?  Here is this man, I interact with him 2 or 3 times a week for perhaps an hour at a time, and a simple smile and an ear to listen to his stories...he lost his wife a little over a year ago and they have no children...makes such an impact on him that he notices that every morning I come in toting a SFRB and goes out of his way to make that connection and how sweet is that and could you just die but in a totally sweet really good way?  Check it out...I found my way back to punctuation. 


I would like some more wine and I think that is all I feel like writing tonight...


Cheers and red Loubs!!!


XOXO
~CAT