New Jersey: A Primer

Where to begin?  So many misconceptions, so little time.  People from New Jersey are not terribly entertained when upon meeting someone with the misfortune of having been born elsewhere asks, "What exit? Ha-ha."  5 coming from the north, 4 coming from the south.  Satisfied?  We do go "Down the Shore," not to the beach or whatever it is you other people do.  See?  You care what exit we're from, we don't give a damn where you summer.  We INVENTED IT...Cape May.  Look it up.  You watch loads of "Reality" and fiction shows about us...you think you know all about us....but again, notice we're not watching nearly as much "Reality TV" about you...because again, we don't give a damn.  Though there are those that would protest America's obvious fascination with New Jersey...I'm just the messenger here, folks...I would point out me thinks you doth protest too much!  Check the ratings on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Sopranos, the Jersey Shore, etc.  Go ahead, make the train wreck argument.  But try this on for size, New Jersey continues to be the most densely populated state in the nation, 11th in actual population while being the 47th smallest state.  Add to that the fact that New Jersey has nearly 1,000,000 acres of protected wetlands, not to mention the glorious home Mrs. Leeds, the Pine Barrens, 22% of New Jersey's land mass, only partially overlapping the wetlands and only marginally inhabitable...due in no small part to Mrs. Leeds' aforementioned 13th son. 
North Jersey and South Jersey are not the same thing.  We take that very seriously.  People from North Jersey favor New York teams.  People from South Jersey know it's all about the Flyers, the Phils, and the Iggles.  That's right, the Iggles.  Snowballs at Santa Claus and Vet Stadium (as my friend Jim would say, 40 on the curb for the Vet), home to the first on-site court and jail in sports, my friends!!!  People from South Jersey do not say "Joisey," nor do we think it's cute when when you do.  People from South Jersey drink "wooder."  People from North Jersey call it "Taylor Ham."  People from South Jersey know that is wrong...and stupid...it's "pork roll." 
Being from New Jersey, there is still much South and North (in no particular order) share.  For starters, we're from New Jersey...thank you, Jesus...and you're not! (I'm doing the thanking on behalf of my Jewish friends as well, you're welcome.) Bruce Willis, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Grover Cleveland, Jack Nicholson, Buzz Aldrin, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Woodrow Wilson, Judge Scalia...ME and FRANK SINATRA!  We actually DO know where Jimmy Hoffa's body is buried...and we're not telling.  Wetlands are better than deserts...just sayin'.  Most Diners in the world...yummmm....pork roll and cheese on a bagel.  7 malls within 25 miles...BEAT THAT!  Hospital waste on the beach?  Damn skippy...we like a challenge!  Monopoly?  You're welcome.  First baseball game?  Played in NJ.  First college football game?  Rutgers vs Princeton.  Rutgers won.  Walt Whitman...a poet, my friends, not just a bridge!  That "guido" thing?  Not new.  It didn't used to require an arrest record (the closest we got was a detention from Sister if our skirt didn't reach the floor when we knelt or our hair was too high) and an STD test...just a perm, a lot of gold, and Sebastian Spritz Forte.
All these things and more unite those of us from New Jersey.  Mother Leeds' 13th son...maybe he unites us most of all.  You may believe in the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra, or North Carolina's Knobby (don't be sceered DT, he has purty harr), but those...well...maybe, maybe not...  Mrs.Leeds' boy, doesn't care if you choose to believe him....he IS.  Mother Leeds was known to dabble in witchcraft...and swore that on a dark and stormy night, her 13th child would be born of the devil.  When Lucas was born, he looked to all, a normal, baby boy.  As the local women put Lucas in his mother's arms, before their very eyes, his feet became cloven hooves, he sprouted wings and a forked tail...his head described in so many terrifying ways I dare not describe them here!  He flew from her arms, up the chimney, and has terrorized the Pine Barrens ever since.
This was in the 1700s, mind, and some have said that Lucas grew restless, finding the Pine Barrens too small and has since terrorized further north and west into New Jersey.


There are rumors though...terrible rumors...that Lucas has changed his name...and returned east...

...and had a bedazzeled lollipop named after him.  Mother Leeds was right!

Deja Bye Week...

As you know, I am, as are we all, a person of many flaws.  Self awareness, however, is not one of them.  I am in touch with my flaws...I accept them...if you want to get all 21st century, talk show-y about it, I own them.  Among them...though I don't necessarily consider all of these flaws, I have been told others do...we find my strong, often vocal, and frequently as unchangeable as the solar system (?  NO.), the tides, weather, tectonic plates (?  NO.), the rising moon, the setting sun, Stonehenge, the East Coast being infinitely superior to the West Coast, opinions, my failing memory for all things relevant that remains freakishly on point when the people on Law & Order, for example, cast a new police captain and expect me not to notice that years before she was a crackhead defendant's mother, my MILD sports obsession, my love for, if from time to time perceived inappropriate use of, dark humor, my honesty which some people prefer to characterize as unfiltered bluntness...and on my occasional lack of a filter, which I have heard described as abrasiveness...to which I am the tiniest bit tempted to say, "F*ck 'em if they can't take a joke," but that is WAY too obvious a joke so let's just move on.

I felt a quick reminder of these "short-comings" was in order as we dive into the headline this morning that, frankly, gave me such giggles my puppies might have had a taste of my coffee!

"T.O. Rushed to ER for Overdose!"

I have never liked Terrell Owens.  I accepted T.O. to the best of my ability when he played for my beloved Eagles, much as I do now with Michael Vick, but I have never liked the man.  He is a self-centered fame whore who would likely be better served as, I don't know, a boxer, perhaps, because being a team player is well beyond his reach.  When the Eagles were rid of him, I popped prosecco!!!  And when it turned out that Dallas was to be his new home?  Ohhhhh...It was like Christmas, my birthday, and my anniversary all wrapped up into one!!!  Which, happy non-sequitur, they are...Dec 25, 26, 27...which means I always get shafted on prezzies...so get shopping, people!!!  Princess says PUH-LEASE!!!  Giggles.  But, as usual, I digress... It just so happened that I was back, living in Texas for the second time, that season...so I could get to all the divisional games.

On the matter of divisional rivalries and my MILD sports obsession...my Iggles are in the NFC East.  This division also includes the Giants...who we hate, not only as divisional rivals, but in the same way as we do the Jets...with the exception, of course, of Joe Namath, whom we LOVE...hello, straight man in hose and fur playing football, there is just nothing not to love...but they call themselves the NY Giants, though they play, and in many, if not most, cases, live in NJ...the Cowgirls, who we hate as divisional rivals and because they call themselves "America's Team"...and the Redskins.  The Redskins present a unique problem as Husband is, yet again, wrong, clearly, because he is a 'Skins fan!  With my obsession and propensity to speak my mind, you can imagine it gets a little heated at the Preppy Pink Palace during those games.  Sleeping on the couch because a 'Skins fan doesn't deserve my guest room is one of the gentler, recurrent themes.  Husband is also a Penguins fan.  Did you know that you can learn how to tie a noose on Google?  I have a stuffed penguin that does!

I proudly sported my McNabb Eagles jersey to Texas Stadium to watch the Cowboys lose their first game against the Eagles with T.O. as a Cowgirl.  To this day, I'm pretty sure he saw me mocking him from the stands.  As an Eagle, he spent far more time making drama and headlines than making plays and touchdowns.  The same was the case when he became a Cowboy.  He had spent nearly every week in the 2005 season, as an Eagle, in the headlines, and again in 2006 as a Cowboy...

Until the Bye Week...

It was the Cowboys' first bye week of 2006 and something horrible happened....well, horrible if you're T.O...a bye week meant no headlines.  And, as it happens, T.O. would rather (picture a sort of Scarlett O'Hara back of hand to forehead pose here) die than not have the attention his inner fame whore feeds on as if it were air...or a nonfat PSL!  Ohhhh...now I really want a PSL!!!  DAMN!  Focus...focus...ok...moving on... 35 vicodin and a trip to the ER later...guess who was all over the headlines!?!  Suicide attempt?  "Bad Reaction"?  Cry for help?  Cry for publicity?

Fast Forward to 2011...T.O., currently a free agent, announces  that he is retiring...as a joke...and no one cared.  He also announced that his knee is healed and he is ready and fit to play.  Step right up people...the oft injured, 37yr old, prima donna is ready and waiting for your call...and the bidding war he was certain would ensue.  The phone, however, failed to ring.  When faced with no headlines, no calls, no interest, no...well...nothing...T.O. went with what had worked in the past.  Time to OD!  Again, 911 was called immediately...no actual cause for concern...he wouldn't do anything to hurt himself...not for real.  And again...he has, among other things, claimed that this was a "Bad Reaction."  All I could do was laugh and remember back to the 2006 "OD."

Perhaps we ought to add to my list of flaws what might be what, by some, be considered callousness and skepticism...but I'm good with that.  It's not that I'm being cruel, I'm simply looking at it all through realistic colored glasses...and enjoying the hell out of it!  Karma, T.O., karma.  There's a reason that phone isn't ringing...

XOXO,

~CAT

Naughty List, Vol. II

When last we were together, dear readers and friends, if there are any...who knows...do you ever wonder about that?  Is anyone really reading this?  It kind of makes me want to throw a random, bizarro sentence or an "Are you really reading this" in the middle...like I always wanted to do in college, but never had the guts to do there, either.  I wonder which would be worse, feeling like an idiot when someone read it or feeling like a loser when your professor gave you an A and failed to mention it.  Moving on...we were exploring my current short list of those which require a "Come to Jesus" talk:

Pool Guy

Landscapers

Random 20yr old Illegal Alien/UCLA Student

Jeff Lurie

Governor Brown & the California Legislature

Depakote 

So far, we have dealt, though I could certainly go on, with Pool Guy, Landscapers, and Random.  This brings us to Jeff Lurie. 

Jeff Lurie...Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...oh, honey!  Let's talk!  For those who may not know, dear Jeffrey owns my beloved Philadelphia Eagles.  As a rule, I love and support you.  I bleed green.  I am an Eagles Fan.  There have been times in the past when we haven't seen eye to eye...usually over quarterbacks.  Kolb?  We'll see how the decision goes.  Garcia?  Play...leave...no...come back...no...get out.  McNabb?  Poor form.  He DESERVES to retire an Eagle. Despite 2 trips to the Superbowl we Eagles (Fans) have yet to have a win.  We were the first team to need it's own jail and court in the stadium.  For those who may not know part 2, this is a fact of which we are quite proud.  We throw snowballs at Santa Claus and "BOO" our own team.  We even had T.O. scared to come back into town for his first game as a Cowgirl!  We prove again and again that there are NO FANS as passionate and dedicated as IGGLES FANS.  When you and Andy decided to bring Michael Vick on board...when he didn't even want to come to Philadelphia, granted, he more than regrets feeling that way now...I was, to say the least, not pleased.  I know it isn't my place to judge and people can change and blah, blah, whatever, but I couldn't get passed what he had done.  He played his heart out and behaved like a repentant, changed man...and while I will never LIKE the man...I grew to accept him as our QB.  But, Jeff...Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...For the Love of All That's HOLY...$100M?!?!?!?  He's not the Pope!!!  I know what you're all thinking...that I'll change my tune should we FINALLY win a Superbowl...and maybe you're right...but I doubt it.  At the end of the day, changed man or not, let's just say you couldn't pay me $100M to let him dog-sit...and seriously?  The man PLAYS A GAME FOR A LIVING!!!  Hello?  That's a privilege!!!  If you've got that much to throw around, Jeff, throw some my way so I can fly home for games...I've cared about the Eagles far longer and far more than Michael Vick.  I have felt the crushing defeat of those 2 Superbowls...I know what it's all about to love Dick Vermeil and to know that no lead is too big for us to blow!  Maybe throw some of that money to animal charities, Jeff...in Mikey's name...AS PART OF HIS PAY...surely he won't mind!

*Of note:  I wrote the above prior to the Eagles v Rams game...I know better than to jinx anything...I'm just sayin'...


The Dream Act...or Dear, Every State Politician in California...or Governor Brown and your compatriots in the California Legislature, I voted against you, surely you recognize me, I'm the one who alternates outfits between an NRA hat, Ray-Ban aviators, and either a B-1 Bomber or Ronald Reagan t-shirt for primaries and, of course, a monogrammed sweater set and pearls on Election Day...because, as I understand it, I have the right not to TELL anyone who I voted for...so I feel obligated to make sure people can TELL by looking at me.  You're welcome.  So, this little Dream Act thing of yours...well played!  How do you envision this working for you?  You've given the illegals (again, I'm not trying to be insulting, I know not the current PC term...if this offends you...you're reading the wrong blog) access to public funds for their educations in California Universities.  Public funds for the privilege of higher education, one that many American Citizens find elusive, do they have priority access to these public funds?  Have you made this conditional upon application for citizenship...American Citizenship, also a privilege,   No?  Ummmm...why not?  They can apply for college, they can apply for financial aid, grants, and scholarships...clearly they are capable of "applying" for things...things they want, anyway.  It seems to me, if they wanted to be citizens, they would APPLY for citizenship.  Yet they don't.  They aren't applying for citizenship...THEREFORE they aren't paying taxes, with which to provide the public funds for future students, American students, to go to school, and they aren't voting.  That little plan you had about them being so grateful they'd be your voter base someday?  Not going to happen!  Let me paint you a picture.  As a military spouse, if your husband is stationed in California, after 30 days, with PROOF of his assignment and your military ID, of course, you are eligible to apply for a WAIVER to the state's residency requirements for instate tuition.  So...if you move to California due to a commitment to Service to Our Country, you can apply for a waiver for in-state residency requirements...but if you're here illegally...you are in some way more deserving?  Is this really the message we want to send? Enough is enough!  We spend a fortune trying to secure our boarders, watching the cost and crime rate skyrocket, and now we're offering INCENTIVES?!?  


You know what's weird?  Immigration has never been a hot-button issue for me.  The Dream Act just makes me so mad!!!

On to Depakote...I can say with absolute authority that this "medicine," I use this word VERY LOOSELY, is, in fact, a direct descendant of the devil!  It's an anti-seizure medication meant to control migraines and trigeminal and back spasms.  You may remember Depakote from it's uncredited cameo in 15 Pounds?!?!?.  Ahhhh...the good old days!  I fear that when dear Doctor said, "at least 15 Pounds," I heard, "15 Pounds," and may have missed the , "at least," bit.  Whoops!  I'm sure there is a lesson about paying attention or selective hearing in this, but...really, not feeling it!  After 5 weeks on this "medicine," I started losing hair again...after it had just started growing back in...grrrrr.  My migraines and trigeminal headaches became more frequent...you could SEE my trigeminal nerve twitch and spasm...ICK!!!  It gave me insane RA flares and it did not fight nice with my chemo!  It was hellish!  This happens from time to time with meds...that's why there are multiple medications.  I get it, I do.  I was weak and tired and miserable and at the 5 week point found myself on the phone with his office, 27 pounds heavier, BEGGING to not have to take it ONE DAY MORE!!!  I am pleased to tell you that he took pity on me...called back and switched me to something different.  Whether it works or not is too soon to say, but rest assured, I scoured the internet and weight gain is NOT listed anywhere as a side effect!!!


One Naughty List down...an infinite number go!


Tell me...comment, tweet me, Facebook, whatever...what's on your Naughty List?


XOXO,
~CAT

Naughty List, Vol. I

I feel like I've been a little bit...what's the word...NICE(?)...lately.  I mean, I am always kind and benevolent to my minions, it's not that to which I refer.  It's that my acid tongue...or fingertips, if you will...feel a bit dry.  I don't know how I let this happen.  I haven't written a manifesto or jumped up on a high horse or a soapbox or even shared a good rant with you in a while...and I apologize...I have been remiss.  You expect...and deserve...better from me.  
I've spent a little quite time with some sugar free Red Bull and an exercise bike and picked out just a few teeny, tiny, little things that make me want to, among other things, refer you to my Anger Management post.

Following is a list of those with whom I need to have a "Come to Jesus" talk:

Pool Guy

Landscapers

Random 20yr old Illegal Alien/UCLA Student

Jeff Lurie

Governor Brown & the California Legislature

Depakote

Listen up, pool guy...just because you're the only game in town, doesn't give you the right to take my money and continue to NOT BOTHER TO SHOW UP!  Owner of pool guy, blaming your employees for being slackers just doesn't cut it.  I do not find your ZZ Top meets gnomes beard amusing.  We will not become pals by your attempts to bond over Rheumatoid Arthritis...or your use of vodka to self medicate.  Do I REALLY NEED to know that?!?!?  I'm thinking no.  Do I WANT to know that?  I do not.  I mean, I really, really, couldn't care less...except that I care enough to decidedly not want to know anything about you...because, you know...ewwww!!!

To the wonderful landscaper who spoke enough broken English to understand me when I ran to him like a raving lunatic because my adorable, sweet, precious, little, girly, fluffy, white, princess, half American Eskimo/Half Coton du Tulear, Lilac Water brought me a not entirely dead, ginormo rat and ran behind the couch with it, for actually being in the backyard doing your job and for being kind enough to come in to help, what you were sure was an hysterical, exaggerating, housewife, until you saw the size of the rat...which, I am quite certain could neither cook nor make dresses (damn you, Disney)...and you spoke the words forever etched in my memory with a chuckle and your eyes as wide as saucers, "Little dog, BIG RAT," you have my unwavering, eternal gratitude.  HOWEVER, to the OWNER and all his other employees I would like to raise a nice big flute of YOU SUCK!  I have a front yard AND a back yard!  I have Italian Cyprus trees that you were supposed to fix the last time it snowed in this God-forsaken desert!  As an aside, "the last time it snowed in this desert," is NOT a euphemism a la "since grandmom had her period," it is quite literal.  It ACTUALLY snowed here a few years ago.  The damage on the trees continues to worsen because of the wind.  I want desperately to add new landscaping, but as I can't trust you to weed and mow on a weekly basis, I am still holding off.  When I'm done with Pool Guy, I AM COMING FOR YOU!!!!

On the news a few days ago, in reference to the Dream Act, a random, 20yr old, illegal alien/UCLA student was being interviewed.  In my (never to be confused with) humble opinion, he was an incredibly poor representative of both Illegal Aliens AND UCLA students.  This young man felt, and we will deal with my feelings on this when we cover the California State Legislature and Governor Brown, that the Dream Act was only fair because he shouldn't be held responsible for his parents' actions.  WHAT?!?  Ok...let's say I'm willing to accept your premise, Random...that a child shouldn't be accountable for the actions of the parents...then perhaps what we need is to define some terms...or one term...before we address the whole of your statement.  Child- "The legal definition of "child" generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority."  So let me, if I may, and I may, because, as I often point out, this is my blog, rephrase our friend Random's sentence using this definition...the Dream Act is only fair because a minor...younger than the age of majority (18 in the state of California)...shouldn't be held responsible for his parents' actions.  Again, assuming I am feeling generous and willing to accept Random's premise...would that not hold true only through his 18th birthday?  And if, in fact, that's the case, then logically speaking, several things follow.  Random committed no crime prior to his 18th birthday.  (None relevant to this discussion, anyway...let's not judge.)  HOWEVER, upon turning 18 he made a conscious decision to break the law of MY country, God's country, the BEST country in the world (despite any evidence to the contrary), the United States of America!!!  (Cue the fireworks, confetti, and Kate Smith!)  If, on his 18th birthday, he had walked into INS and began the process of applying for citizenship, then I would support Random's statement, Random's application to college, his application for financial aid, and Random's income and property taxes as well!!!  Call me conservative, but Ronald Reagan called and said that our friend Random needs to take the good with bad or get the hell out of Dodge!   

WOW!  Someone certainly has a lot to say!  I'll give you all a break and save Jeff Lurie, Depakote, and the Dream Act for tomorrow.  See what happens when I'm NICE for too long?  I won't let that happen again...someone could get hurt!!!

XOXO

~CAT

Day Two...

Woohoo!  I have a follower!  Thanks Kaitlin for being the first!  Of course, now that I know that someone is reading this, the pressure to be interesting just got more intense!  LOL.  I feel like I have so much to say and I'm not sure where to begin.  Hmmm...perhaps today I'll hop up on my Bryan Stow soapbox!
I love sports.  Sports rivalries are generally the fun part of the experience of supporting your team!  I am a die-hard, born and raised Eagles fan and I adore my team even tho the fans have thrown snowballs at Santa Claus, have never won a Super Bowl and only been to the Super Bowl twice, and hired Michael Vick as soon as he was allowed to play again.  As an "Iggles" fan, I accept these things...these, and that completely bogus movie "Invincible" about Vince Papale, that, while completely entertaining and starring Marky Mark...was still a bunch of, well...crap.  I point all of this out because I, horror of horrors, married a REDSKINS fan!!!  We're in the same division!  For those of you who do not follow American Football, there's nothing worse!  I continue to threaten him with the guest room whenever our teams play each other.  As for other sports?  We disagree on ALL of them!  It's part of the fun!
And then there was the Dodgers v Giants game.  Let me say, not a Giants' fan as they beat my Phillies in the World Series last year.  But again, all in fun...it's a game, people!!!  Or at least that's what Bryan Stow, married paramedic and father of two thought when he donned a Giants shirt and hat and headed to a Giants v Dodgers game a week or so ago.  That was until two Dodger fans saw him and singled him out.  They beat him to within an inch of his life and he remains in a coma.
Where to begin?  Clearly these two fine, upstanding, young gentleman (and Dodger fans) had gone to the game with the intention of cause serious harm (at a minimum) to a Giant's fan.  They had a getaway car waiting...driven by a woman with a small boy in the car with her, setting an excellent example, wouldn't you say?
But it gets worse.  Donations have come flooding in to help with Bryan's medical bills, and hopefully, there will eventually be enough to help his wife and children in the long term, no matter what happens...God forbid!  Who is behind the donations, you ask?  I am, you are, our friends and neighbors are.  Who is NOT?  The LA Dodgers!!!  Don't be fooled, darlings, yes, they "hosted" a drive-thru fundraiser.  I, myself, have participated in a number of these for the American Red Cross.  You pull thru a line in a parking lot and put your donations in a bucket or other receptacle without having to leave your car and said buckets are held by whomever is "hosting" the event.  What they have conveniently kept out of the press is that the Dodgers organization has not donated a penny to Bryan Stow, his family, or his medical bills.
I am beyond horrified that an organization worth easily hundreds of millions of dollars has so little compassion that they have not only not offered a reward of the apprehension of the thugs who put this man in a coma, but they have not offered, nor have any of their players as individuals, one red cent, to do so much as cover this man's medical bills!!

Sorry, I know this wasn't a happy post, but I had to get this off my chest before I exploded!!!


XOXO
~CAT