Saturday, May 21, 2011


Well, this is awkward...

As a rule, I am, in fact, the center of the Universe...yes, Mother, the World does revolve around me.  I have always known this and am very comfortable admitting it.  They say admitting the problem is half the battle...but, here's the thing, I don't see it as problem...and who are THEY, anyway, and who says THEY get to judge?  Not me, and as the center of the Universe, my word is rule...HA!  As such, I generally love when things are all about me, as they usually are...and if they're not for too long and I get bored, I make them about, I swear, I've done that once or twice...but it's always in context.  Staring at a blank screen trying to figure out what I could possibly say about myself here that you'd care to know is positively overwhelming!!!

I mean, do you care about the time that I was little and my Parents were having a party and my Father told me that if I ate one more cracker he would smack I looked from him to the crackers and back, walked over, got a cracker, walked back to Daddy, ate the cracker, and held out my hand to be smacked?  My Parents seem to think everyone wants to hear that story!  Or that Dad taught me to say "Help, I'm being kidnapped," whenever he pointed at me, which he quite liked to do when Mother had me in a shopping cart and Daddy was hiding at the end of the aisle?  I'll never understand why those two crazy kids couldn't make it work!  Ha! 

As I just used the word "whenever," I'd like to take a moment to remind the world that WHEN and WHENEVER are NOT the same word and DO NOT mean the same thing.  As much as it makes me want to pour acid into my own ears so that I will never have to hear "whenever" misused again when young people say it, I can at least point to a failure somewhere along the way.  HOWEVER, when I hear adults say it...adults, who, until 5 years ago, were perfectly capable of differentiating between WHEN and WHENEVER, have been, what?  Suddenly struck dumb in the face of a Bad Grammar Trend?  Really?  How is this happening?!?  It makes me want to make Cold War Reagan look like Carter! 

Which brings us neatly to...I LOVE Ronnie!  Adore!  If we were a cannibalistic culture, I would have wanted to eat a piece of him after he died to make him a part of me!!!  Sick and twisted?  Maybe, kind of...but not if we lived in a culture where that was standard practice.  I'm an outside the box girl, kids!!!  You've been warned!  OMG!  I just sounded like Charlie Sheen when I said, "You've been warned," and I really want to delete it, but I promised myself I wouldn't edit random stuff like that out.  Damn!  Sorry, I'm not a warlock, nor am I devolving on a pathetic, albeit entertaining, spiral.  Where was I?  Yes!  Cannibalism, right!  You scoff and think it sounds creepy...but check this out...and if you ever get bored...feel free to do this yourselves, but I want credit!  I must preface this by saying I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, mean to be a practicing Catholic tho I often fall short, collect Rosaries..I follow the Vatican on Twitter...just so you understand that I have a healthy Faith and respect for my Church.  Are you a little scared of where this might be going yet?  I don't blame you.  For those who aren't Catholic, one of the many things that sets Catholicism apart from other religions is that we believe that Communion, that is, eating the wafer and drinking the wine...that's right, people, Catholics get Cocktail Hour at Mass...we believe not as in the other religions that do some sort of Communion, that it Represents the Body and Blood of Our Saviour, but that it BECOMES the Body and Blood of Our Saviour.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Try asking a priest if that means the Church encourages cannibalism!!!  And if you REALLY want to take it up a notch, ask him on Ash Wednesday, because you take Communion, but it's a day of fast and abstinence (one meal, no meat)...Just make sure you're asking a priest with a good sense of humour!!  Also, it doesn't hurt to have a confessional nearby...HA!

Wow!  I am making really good time covering the topics one ought not discuss, wouldn't you say?  And to think, I thought I had nothing to say...well, in an About Me list, sort of way.  But who does, really?  I mean, can any of us really be defined by a bunch of bullet points or one of those stupid emails that people forward and want you to add your answers and send back to them and forward to everyone...which, for those not paying attention or under 30, are really just a high-tech knock-off of that note that Samantha drops on the floor by accident in 16 Candles...but I digress...again...are we sensing a theme?  What was my plan when I said I would do a Getting to Know Me Post?  I have no idea.  Would you really know me better if you knew my favourite colour was pink?
That my eyes are green?
That I've been married 12 and half years to my best friend?
That I shout obscenities such as have NO BUSINESS coming out of the mouth of a lady at sporting events...televised or home or in public?
That I don't work out everyday for vanity's sake, but rather because I am sick with a nasty combo of auto-immune diseases?

That I can't really drive a stick?

But I'm more than that...we all are.  I was watching TV the other night with Husband and they were doing one of those, "I'm so deep," broody, thinky, Morrisey, wrap things up voice overs at the end and I just couldn't stand one more!  I may have gone off just the tiniest little bit.  It definitely involved all the words I just used, and I believe I went on to apply them to a broader range and include all people that are "deep."  You know the type.  They're always thinking about something...Yes, I know, we all are, but with DEEP people it's always something earth shattering and they always want to emote...and it's all "Girlfriend in a Coma" and "Meat is Murder" all day, all the time and you just want to feed them a proverbial cheeseburger!  Not everything, not every emotion, requires deep thought!  Somehow the conversation ended up with us being grateful I'm not deep?  Wait...ummm...does that make me shallow?  After 15 minutes or so of ridiculous laughter to include some really messed up Shakespeare quotations...and one translation, "the Wife of Bath is a Dirty Whore," I guess you had to be there...needless to say, I never did get a ruling and may or may not be about as deep as a Tweedlebug's tear, but I'm there's that.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Oh, God...did I just say that?  That was so thinky, wasn't it?  Sorry.  I don't know where that came from!  Ha!  Not to worry, I'll stick to my earlier apologized for, James Joyce-esque, stream-of-consciousness, nonsense and hope that you'll enjoy it...or at least come along for the ride.


1 comment:

  1. I can't even come with a response to this other than I freaking love you, adore you and quite possibly for all I know, the sun shines out your ass. XX