Saturday, July 9, 2011

And Away We Go...

Sooo...that text to blog thing?  Clearly I did it wrong.  Moving on...

A little free association for you:
Moving:  Traveling
Traveling:  Phone calls
Phone calls:  Are you kidding me
Are you kidding me:  Cocktails
Cocktails (whilst traveling):  Very "interesting" stewardesses

And away we go...

0530 on the day we were due to leave...the alarm on DH's phone goes off...and as he looks at his phone to turn it off...he notices an 0334 missed call and voicemail.  I watch his face become more and more angry as he listens to the voicemail.  It's an automated message informing us that our flight is canceled and that they booked us on a new flight the NEXT DAY!!!!  

The phrase for which you are currently searching is:  ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME?!?!?

I assure you, I am not.

We were scheduled to fly out of John Wayne because we were told that Ontario had no First Class seats available.  John Wayne is quite a bit further than Ontario, but as we were flying cross-country, it was worth the drive for the upgraded seats...besides...the airport is named after the Duke, for God's sake...what could possibly go wrong?!?  Oh, could you do this to me?  The message included no explanation, no callback number, NOTHING!  DH immediately called the airline, who, by the way, knew nothing about our canceled flight and subsequent voicemail, and refused to get off the phone until they miraculously "found" 2 First Class seats on the flight out of Ontario that we wanted IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!  However, he was also told that he couldn't lodge a complaint on that number but would have to call a separate number during business hours for that.  

No time for phone calls...we have an earlier flight to catch!

We make it to the airport, board the flight...and then the fun begins!  It is at this point that I coin the phrase, "When life gives you lemons, drink champagne!"  Enter Stewardess #1.  She hears a bit of our conversation and appears with champagne.  Clearly, I love her.  I do not, however, love whatever it is that the airline is trying to pass off as champagne.  It's appearance closely resembles ginger ale...the bubbles are so large I am quite sure that I saw Glinda the Good Witch descending into Oz in one of them!  I will spare you any description of the taste...except to say that I didn't know Boone's Farm was making a sparkling variety now.  When she came by to refill my glass...please don', I love you...she asked what we were talking about earlier and where we were headed.  She, too, was shocked to learn that her airline canceled a flight that way, rebooked us for the following day, and told us we had to call someone else to complain.  My glass was never empty which is quite likely why I was able to keep up my end of the discussion about exactly what is in the freshly baked snickerdoodles she was passing around...for the record, I still don't know.  Once we land and start to deplane, Stewardess #1, while giving everyone else the traditional, "Bu-Bye," drops 2 bottles of Absolut in my purse with a wink and smile, and says, "Just in case."

Off to our connecting we board, I was saying something to DH about our second flight being the same flight regardless of the morning's flight cancellation drama...and I suppose it must have sounded interesting or funny because Stewardess #2 overheard it, smiled, and fist bumped me.  Ok...let me say that again.  She FIST BUMPED ME!  Where do I even start?  How about, what year is it?!?  Are people still doing that???  Really?  I ALWAYS thought it was stupid, but when I saw my DADDY fist bump someone a few years ago I was certain the trend, such as it was, must surely be over!!!  But if, for the sake of argument, the fist bump is not over, the Stewardess #2 and I are fist bumping?  I've only just stepped off the jetway...when did our relationship reach this level of intimacy, exactly?  I missed the memo.  Knowing as little as I do about the fist bump, it would seem I am also sorely lacking in my knowledge of fist bump etiquette.  Did everyone but me know that once one responds to the fist bump once, one becomes obligated to continue this social interaction ad infinitum?  Stewardess #2 did...and she LOVED her some fist bumping!!!  Here's a cocktail...bump!  Would you like a refill...bump!  Have a cookie...bump!  What are you two talking about...bump!  I saw you rolling your eyes when other passengers used their hot towels on their faces and necks...bump!  You're too funny...bump!  I love your top...bump!  For the love of all that's Holy, woman stop...bump!  No, really, I'm not kidding...BUMP!  MAKE!  THE!  BUMP!  STOP!  

Just when I thought she'd given us a moment's peace, she caught DH coming out of the men's room...and she actually asked him to send me over!!!  I'm sorry, WHAT?!?!?  Of course, like with the fist bump, she has the cookies and the she does have a bit of power in that situation...and like a good girl, a report to the forward stewardess station.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the pilot comes on the speaker early in the flight, doesn't it go something like, "Hi, this Captain Joe Bagadonuts, I'll be your bus driver this evening.  At some completely arbitrary point during the flight I will turn off the seat belt light.  This means you can use the restrooms.  The First Class restroom is for First Class passengers only and you coach people...back of the bus.  I will likely turn off the seat belt light while it is your turn in said restroom.  I am doing this to screw with you as being a bus driver is an incredibly boring job and I'm frequently sorry I left military aviation for this.  If you are not in the restroom stay in your seat at all times with your seat belt securely fastened as I might suddenly decide to see how this baby handles.  Do not go hang out at the stewardess station because as long as they don't hear me calling them fat or ugly I may want to put this thing on auto-pilot and hit on them.  Bagadonuts, OUT," or something to that effect.  So technically, I'm breaking the rules by being there...what a woman won't do for cookies and cocktails!  Stewardess #2 fixes me a drink (points for her!) starts chowing down on one of the meals...ummm...really...I'm thinking I'd pack a lunch before I'd eat that food every day, but that's just me...and proceeds to grill me about the messed up travel about which she "overheard" DH and I speaking!!!  What the?!?!?  CALGON!!!  Get me off this plane!!!

So then I had a holiday, blah, blah, blah...

It's not that I'm glossing over the trip...I'll come back to pieces of it in other's just that THIS post is about travel...more specifically...our very interesting stewardesses.  I don't ever recall having so many interesting stewardesses in the same trip...and I want to say that that is why I felt the need to share, but to be perfectly honest...after the very first fist bump, I turned to DH and simply said, "Blog."  

To which he gave his standard reply.  He looked, ever so lovingly, deep into my eyes, took my hands....Ha!  He rolled his eyes at me and ordered a drink.

We're headed home and exhausted...and mostly would have liked to sleep on our cross-country flight...but this was not to be.  Why, you ask?  Good question!  I'll tell you!  Stewardess #3!  I believe she is what mental health and addiction specialists call a "High Functioning Alcoholic."  As soon as each person took their seat she was by their side to take their cocktail order...and responded with enough disapproval if one ordered something other than alcohol that even a 20yr old, Mormon, ATF agent would have broken down and ordered a madras!  Mind you, these were the pre-flight cocktails...and she served each with an additional bottle of alcohol, calling it "a little extra love."  After takeoff she brought another round of cocktails and extra love without even asking and started to prepare our dinner service.  She brought around our hot towels, making a mental note of whose drinks were low, replacing them as soon as she retrieved the towels.  Then as she brought each dinner tray...bless her pickled heart...I don't know if she got her job as stewardess confused with a past job at McDonalds or how exactly "Supersizing" entered wine service...but she brought our trays and asked, as one might expect, "red or white," and then made a bit of a departure (so to speak) and asked, "small or large?"  Ummmm...I beg your pardon?  It is at this point that Stewardess #3 holds up the airline approved wine glass and says, "small," followed by the airline approved water/soda/juice/cocktail glass and says, "large."  She refers back to the "small" and says, "this is really just a taster, you want large."  And that, was that.  As you would imagine, she replaced our cocktails and extra love again after clearing away our dinner...and I officially nominated her for the Stewardess Hall of Fame!

Soooo...I'll bet you're wondering what the airline said when we finally got through.  So am I!  We called when we arrived in Florida and were told, as God is my witness, that they would only accept a complaint on PAST TRAVEL...therefore, we couldn't complain until we got home from our trip...mental note...add that to the list of things to complain about.  DH will be calling from the car on his drive tomorrow.

And a parting I always have after I fly...are terrorists not allowed to fly First Class?  Because that is a seriously sturdy metal knife and fork...



1 comment:

  1. Oh my! I need to fly with your. I never get entertaining stewardesses.