I live in the most bizarro town in the world!
I know, I know, a lot of you are thinking to yourselves of places you've lived, heard of, or been and think that I must surely be exaggerating...perhaps for sake of humor...or worse...part of a conspiracy to further the East Coast/West Coast-Tupoc/Biggie thing??? Oh no, my friends...no need to exaggerate...I assure you...you'll see!!!
This little town is very, very remote. It does, however, have three claims to fame. It is on Route 66 and mentioned in the song. Some of you might remember it as the town where the McDonald's got shot up back in '97 and among others, a little girl was killed. Yup, I live there. It's also famous as the closest municipality to Hinkley. Doesn't sound familiar? Trust me, you've heard of it! It's the name of a tiny bit of unincorporated desert that isn't actually a town...and...you know what, no...check back tomorrow for a post on my feelings about UNINCORPORATED LAND...so, Hinkley, not a town, but this grouping of homes calls itself and Hinkley, and when it requires infrastructure...courts or say, record keeping as it applies to, I don't know, underground water...they rely on my town. You all already know this, because you saw it in Erin Brockovich! Yup, I live there.
So, now you have a little bit of backstory about the most bizarro town in the world. So far, so good, wouldn't you say? And we're just getting warmed up!!! I could tell you that it is a small, isolated town and move along, but I don't think that simply by telling you, I could fully convey to you a real sense of what I mean. If I were to tell you that I was running to Walmart to pick up a few things, what would you picture? Cleaning supplies, dog bones, candles, extra towels for out of town guests that you really don't want to make a return trip? What about cereal, condiments, fruits and vegetables, cold cuts? Well, if you lived here and you wanted to go to Walmart for the first list, you could. But if you wanted to go for the second list? It would take you 40 minutes to get there! Target? A book store, Hallmark, sporting goods store? All a 40 minute drive!!! Let's say you wanted to go out to eat? We have a Chili's. It opened about a year or two ago. What's that you say? Don't like Chili's? We have that shoot 'em up McDonalds, DelTaco, and In n Out. Don't want fast food? Stay home...or enjoy that 40 minute drive.
Your 40 to 50 minute drive will get you a few Super Targets, a plethora of chain restaurants...Olive Garden, anyone? When you're here, you're family...a really sad family of style-challenged bad cooks...and we all think Uncle Joe isn't really over that little problem he has, so keep an eye on the wine!!! Where was I? Oh...yes...40-50 mins...Targets, restaurant chains, a Barnes and Noble, a mediocre monogrammer, a few sketchy "day spas," and this place that SWEARS it's a mall...the empty anchor stores and I, however, beg to differ.
Am I the only one that just noticed that this is soooo going to take more than one post???
Ok...so are we starting to get a LITTLE perspective on the small, isolated, remote, creepy thing? Tres important to fully embrace the bizarro!!! Just to really nail down the small, isolated thing...I should point out that between here and the Target...THERE IS NOTHING! There is desert. Protected turtles and coyotes. ONE ROAD. That's it. But lest you think I am boarded by desert nothingness on just the one side...NOT SO FAST. There's a road that dead end's at an Army base about 45 minutes in another direction...the road only goes from this town to the Post...there is no other way in or out. Noooo...that surely wouldn't go on the bizarro Top 10 list I am quite likely to write!!! In the final direction...yes, I know that's only 3 directions, suck it up, it's bizarro world, we don't make the rules here...the next closest place after a small USMC installation that is only sort of there, is about 90 miles. It's nothing but a freeway off-ramp really, however it features not only fast food...but, as God is my witness, "Fresh Alien Jerky" AND the World's Largest Thermometer!
This is where I am going to end for today...because let me tell you, my dog just told me that the coyotes are howling that Stephen King just heard about what I've just written about this town and is already packing to move here because he knows a gold mine when he hears about one and he is thinking maybe his New England storylines are a little played out and that hotel from the Shining was really in Colorado anyway and everyone knows that anyway and I totally wouldn't blame him for using this joint as a setting as I totally plan to if I ever quit being lazy and just do it, so back off already Stephen...don't make me cut a bitch!!! I don't care what you guys say, I can totally pull off saying that...shut up, I can!!! Ok...fine...maybe I can't...sigh...
Soooo...if you're not scared off yet...more tales from I seriously can't believe I live here...
Ohhhh...and I owe you my feelings on UNINCORPORATED LAND either tomorrow or the next day as well...