Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Naughty List, Vol. I

I feel like I've been a little bit...what's the word...NICE(?)...lately.  I mean, I am always kind and benevolent to my minions, it's not that to which I refer.  It's that my acid tongue...or fingertips, if you will...feel a bit dry.  I don't know how I let this happen.  I haven't written a manifesto or jumped up on a high horse or a soapbox or even shared a good rant with you in a while...and I apologize...I have been remiss.  You expect...and deserve...better from me.  
I've spent a little quite time with some sugar free Red Bull and an exercise bike and picked out just a few teeny, tiny, little things that make me want to, among other things, refer you to my Anger Management post.

Following is a list of those with whom I need to have a "Come to Jesus" talk:

Pool Guy
Random 20yr old Illegal Alien/UCLA Student
Jeff Lurie
Governor Brown & the California Legislature

Listen up, pool guy...just because you're the only game in town, doesn't give you the right to take my money and continue to NOT BOTHER TO SHOW UP!  Owner of pool guy, blaming your employees for being slackers just doesn't cut it.  I do not find your ZZ Top meets gnomes beard amusing.  We will not become pals by your attempts to bond over Rheumatoid Arthritis...or your use of vodka to self medicate.  Do I REALLY NEED to know that?!?!?  I'm thinking no.  Do I WANT to know that?  I do not.  I mean, I really, really, couldn't care less...except that I care enough to decidedly not want to know anything about you...because, you know...ewwww!!!

To the wonderful landscaper who spoke enough broken English to understand me when I ran to him like a raving lunatic because my adorable, sweet, precious, little, girly, fluffy, white, princess, half American Eskimo/Half Coton du Tulear, Lilac Water brought me a not entirely dead, ginormo rat and ran behind the couch with it, for actually being in the backyard doing your job and for being kind enough to come in to help, what you were sure was an hysterical, exaggerating, housewife, until you saw the size of the rat...which, I am quite certain could neither cook nor make dresses (damn you, Disney)...and you spoke the words forever etched in my memory with a chuckle and your eyes as wide as saucers, "Little dog, BIG RAT," you have my unwavering, eternal gratitude.  HOWEVER, to the OWNER and all his other employees I would like to raise a nice big flute of YOU SUCK!  I have a front yard AND a back yard!  I have Italian Cyprus trees that you were supposed to fix the last time it snowed in this God-forsaken desert!  As an aside, "the last time it snowed in this desert," is NOT a euphemism a la "since grandmom had her period," it is quite literal.  It ACTUALLY snowed here a few years ago.  The damage on the trees continues to worsen because of the wind.  I want desperately to add new landscaping, but as I can't trust you to weed and mow on a weekly basis, I am still holding off.  When I'm done with Pool Guy, I AM COMING FOR YOU!!!!

On the news a few days ago, in reference to the Dream Act, a random, 20yr old, illegal alien/UCLA student was being interviewed.  In my (never to be confused with) humble opinion, he was an incredibly poor representative of both Illegal Aliens AND UCLA students.  This young man felt, and we will deal with my feelings on this when we cover the California State Legislature and Governor Brown, that the Dream Act was only fair because he shouldn't be held responsible for his parents' actions.  WHAT?!?  Ok...let's say I'm willing to accept your premise, Random...that a child shouldn't be accountable for the actions of the parents...then perhaps what we need is to define some terms...or one term...before we address the whole of your statement.  Child- "The legal definition of "child" generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority."  So let me, if I may, and I may, because, as I often point out, this is my blog, rephrase our friend Random's sentence using this definition...the Dream Act is only fair because a minor...younger than the age of majority (18 in the state of California)...shouldn't be held responsible for his parents' actions.  Again, assuming I am feeling generous and willing to accept Random's premise...would that not hold true only through his 18th birthday?  And if, in fact, that's the case, then logically speaking, several things follow.  Random committed no crime prior to his 18th birthday.  (None relevant to this discussion, anyway...let's not judge.)  HOWEVER, upon turning 18 he made a conscious decision to break the law of MY country, God's country, the BEST country in the world (despite any evidence to the contrary), the United States of America!!!  (Cue the fireworks, confetti, and Kate Smith!)  If, on his 18th birthday, he had walked into INS and began the process of applying for citizenship, then I would support Random's statement, Random's application to college, his application for financial aid, and Random's income and property taxes as well!!!  Call me conservative, but Ronald Reagan called and said that our friend Random needs to take the good with bad or get the hell out of Dodge!   

WOW!  Someone certainly has a lot to say!  I'll give you all a break and save Jeff Lurie, Depakote, and the Dream Act for tomorrow.  See what happens when I'm NICE for too long?  I won't let that happen again...someone could get hurt!!!


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